Can I help you? No. I just waited in the line for 30 minutes to say Hi.
I can't tell if I'm depressed or just an adult.
Always be yourself, unless you can be Chuck Norris, then always be Chuck Norris.
'My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''
"What is love, at last?" asks the dentist. And the cardiologist: "Love is a toothache.. but inside the heart!"
How do you know when an Asian breaks into your home? Your house is clean, your computer is fixed, and their still pulling out of your driveway.
A Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on my door yesterday, so I answered it and asked if he wanted to come in he said, "Yeah, okay." I said I'm just making a cup of tea do you want one? He said, "Yeah, sure." I said I've just made some toast do you want a slice? He said, "Yeah, why not." I then he sat down and I asked him, "So what now?" He said, "I don't know I've never got this far before!"
Saying the same thing over and over again but expecting different results is called parenting.
A pretty lady is standing on the side of a bridge, looking over it and thinking about jumping off. A homeless alcoholic man comes up to her as he was walking nearby. The lady notices the man coming and says: "Go away! There's nothing you can say to me to change my mind, you cannot help me." "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why don't we have sex? At least I'll enjoy it" replies the man. "No way, you're disgusting, go away." The homeless man turns and starts walking away. The lady thinks: "Is that all you were going to say to me? Nothing more? Won't you try to convince me that life is worth living that I should not jump off? Where are you going?" The homeless man thinks: "I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm."
Bruce lee does not drink water, he drinks WATAAAA.
If my main parachute doesn't open and my reserve parachute doesn't open, how long till i hit the ground? The rest of your life...