One man's hobby was fishing, he spent all his weekends near the river or lake, paying no attention to weather.
One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river, as usual.
It was cold and raining, so he decided to return back to his house.
He came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and laid near his wife. "What terrible weather today honey," he said to her.
"Yes. And my idiot husband went fishing!" she replied.
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A grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea.
She pleads, "Please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back."
And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new.
She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"
A son and the dad are walking around on the streets.
The dad stops the son and says, "Son, if you don't stop masturbating, you are going to go blind."
The son says, "Dad! I'm over here!"
Always borrow money from a pessimist.
He won't expect it back.
If you can't say something nice, say it in French.
Parallel lines have so much in common.
It's a shame they'll never meet.
Do you know what a plateau is?
It's the highest form of flattery!
A man sits on a bus looking ashamed.
The man next to him notices and asks what is wrong.
He says that when he went to buy the bus ticket, the woman serving him had the most unbelievable breasts, so he got flustered and asked for two tickets to Tittsburgh instead of Pittsburgh.
The man next to him laughs, "Don't worry about that. We all make Freudian slips. This morning I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to say, 'Pass the salt,' but I accidently said, 'You f**king bitch, you ruined my life.'"
Q: What do you call an empty jar of Cheez Whiz?
A: Cheez Whuz.
If you have a grief nobody feels,
If you have a pain nobody feels.
If your heart is broken nobody feels,
but if you fart all will understand.
Vote:
Patient: "How much do you charge for extracting a tooth?"
Doctor: "Fifty rupees."
Patient: "Fifty ruppes, for only a few second’s work?"
Doctor: "Well, I will do it very slowly."
Patient: "How much is for the operation?"
Doctor: "Rupees on thousand."
Patient: "But it was a serious one."
Doctor: "Nonsense. You can’t buy a serious operation for Rupees one Thousand now-a days."