1st Eskimo: "Where did your mother come from?"
2nd Eskimo: "Alaska."
1st Eskimo: "Don’t bother, I’ll ask her myself!"
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The best way to make somebody remember you is to borrow money from them.
Q:How do crazy people go through the forest?
A:They take the psycho path.
Me: I just bought Tupacs of Eminems for 50 Cents.
Friend: That's Ludacris. How Kanye West your money like that?
By tradition, fathers wear a red flower on Father's Day, if their father is alive and a white flower if he's dead.
And if they have a nagging wife and a house full of screaming kids, they wear a pink flower - which means they are living but wish they were dead.
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George W. Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan.
The doctor said: "Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side."
Bush interrupted, "Well, that’s normal, isn’t it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?"
The doctor replied, "That’s true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isn’t anything right, while on the right side there isn’t anything left."
One attractive young businesswoman to another over lunch:
"My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying."
What are the three rules for being a plumber?
1. Hot water is always on the left.
2. Shit doesn't flow uphill
3. Never chew your fingernails.
A milkman gets an order for 45 pints of milk.
Puzzled, he decides to ask the customer if this is a mistake.
When he knocks on the door, a woman comes out wearing just a bath towel, and she confirms that she wants 45 pints.
"Milk baths are good for your skin," explains the woman.
"Oh, OK," replies the milkman.
"Do you need it pasteurized then?"
"No," says the woman.
"Up to my tits will be fine."
Heading off to college at the age of 40, I was a bit self-conscious about my advancing years.
One morning I complained to my husband that I was the oldest student in my class.
"Even the teacher is younger than I am," I said.
"Yeah," he said optimistically, "but look at it from my point of view. I thought my days of fooling around with college girls were over!"