Joke #2878

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No. What did that stupid monkey do this time?" says the patron. "Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says the bartender. "Yeah, well I hope it kills him because he's been driving me nuts," says the patron. The guy finishes his drink and leaves. Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a peanut up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender. "Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that darn cue ball he measures everything first!"

He drank like a fish. Which would have been okay if he’d drunk what the fish drinks.

This guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the guy and says" Have you seen Eileen?" The guy is rather confused and asked " Eileen who?" The bartender relies, "I lean over and you kiss my butt." Well the man was offended by this and walks out the door and into the bar across the street. So he sits down and orders a beer. While he is drinking his beer he tells the bartender what the other bartender said to him. The bartender then told him," You know what you should do, you should go back over there and ask him if he has seen Ben and when he says Ben who you say I bend over and you kiss my butt. So the guy goes back across the street and asks the Bartender if he has seen Ben. And the Bartender said " Yep, He just went out the door with Eileen." The guy asks" Eileen who?

I gave up alcohol last year. It was the longest 20 minutes of my life.

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. "First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner. "Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought he was having his picture taken.

What’s the difference between a bar and a g-spot? Most men have no trouble finding a bar.

Yo mama's so fat, when she farted pluto's ice caps melted.

A guy who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "Where have you been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "It looks like you've had quite a few drinks this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "That a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

A Russian walks into a bar and orders a beer. "That will be one ruble," says the bartender. "One ruble!" the customer protests, "last week it was only fifty kopeks!" "Well," replies the bartender, "it's fifty kopeks for the beer and fifty kopecs for the perestroika." Reluctantly, the customer gives the bartender a ruble, and is surprised when the bartender gives him back fifty kopecs and says, "We are out of beer."

A guy was sitting in a bar, drinking away. Suddenly he says to the bartender, "I have to go home or the wife will be mad". (at this point he was loaded drunk) He climbed down from the bar stool, and fell flat on his face. The man then said "I can't walk and I didn't have that much to drink?". He gets up to give it another try, this time the same thing happens and he falls flat to his face. He says "I have to get home some way or the wife will kill me if I don't get home soon"! He gets an idea of crawling home, so away he went crawling home. He crawled up to his apartment and slowely snuck into bed with his wife trying not to wake her. The next morning he woke up to see his wife running in the room. She said "you were out drinking again last night weren't you!" The man replied with "NO WAY!" And the wife said "YOU LIAR! The bartender just called and said you left your wheelchair at the club again last night"!

How do you caculate the population of Russia? You roll a bottle of vodka down the street.