Q:How does a bear start a race? A: READY, TEDDY, GO!
What is the difference between a fridge and a kid? A fridge doesn't shout when you put your meat inside it.
When I was younger I used to think having sex was kissing naked. One day after showering my dog came in the restroom, so I kissed him on the head, after realizing what I did I ran downstairs, and told my mom that I had sex with the dog, you can image her face after hearing this. Yep I was a very dumb child.
A kid is walking down the street with a jar of money and dragging along a dead frog on a string. And he walks into a whorehouse. He sets the jar of money on the counter and proclaims to a woman in the lobby "I want to have sex with the dirtiest, nastiest woman you have here." She glares at him and replies "get outta here. you're too young to be here." The kid retorts, pointing at the jar and says "look, lady- I'm paid. Let me do what I want." She agrees, and points him towards a door down the hall. "Meet Evelynn, she's a veteran." He does the deed and walks out of the room, still zipping up. The lady in the lobby asks him if he realizes the consequences of his actions. He replies, "Yes. I came here hoping for an STD, and I've gotten what I wanted." Confused, she asks him why. He replies, "My mom and dad are on vacation. When I get home, the babysitter is going to have sex with me. That's what she's into. She's going to get an STD. When mom and dad get home, mom will go to the grocery store and dad will have sex with the babysitter. He will have an STD. Once mom gets home, she will have sex with dad and SHE will get an STD. When dad leaves for work in the morning, mom is going to have sex with the Mailman... and HE's the motherfucker who ran over my frog."
The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you," the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity." The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.
There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him. Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied, ''We don't know what to do with this baby.'' So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution." ''Why?' asked the head nurse. "Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."
Bertie comes sadly to his mommy and says, "Mom, the kids have been mean to me. They keep teasing me that my feet are too big. Please tell me honestly. Are my feet to big?" "Of course not, Bertie. Now go put your shoes in the garage, the dinner is ready."
What kind of rocks do young geologists play with? Marbles.
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "George, why has your school work been so poor lately?" "I’m in love," the boy replied. Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?" "With you," he said. "But George," she said gently, "don’t you see how silly that is? It’s true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don’t want a child." "Oh, don’t worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I’ll use a rubber."
After watching the grades of his child, the angry father said, "After seeing your grades, I feel like teaching a lesson or two and want to give a tight slap." The child excitedly says, "Yes dad, lets go, I know the addresses of all my teachers, we must teach them a lesson."
When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."