Q:How does a bear start a race?
A: READY, TEDDY, GO!
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A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down.
The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy.
So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter.
They throw out a pistol. “Throw out more!” shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle.
“More!” he cries again.
They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.
He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport.
They get into a jeep and drive off.
Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who’s crying.
They ask him why he’s crying and he says “A pistol hit me on the head!”
They drive more and meet another boy who’s crying even harder.
Again they ask why and the boy says, “A rifle hit me on the head!”
They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who’s laughing hysterically.
They ask him, “Kid, what’s so funny?” The boy replies, “I sneezed and a house blew up!”
Come on guys, I think we are a little tough on pedophiles, they have a hard time fitting in.
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At a Whitehouse party for past presidents.
Michelle Obama caught Barron Trump making faces at Sasha.
Michelle walked over to reprimand the child and said, "Barron, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Baron looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Obama, you can't say you weren't warned."
When I was born, everyone was so happy.
Even the doctor said, ‘I think it’s a baby.’
The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, "You have a cute baby."
The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."
"No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."
The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?"
The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."
Two guys are walking down a road when they come across a deep hole beside it.
Being curious, they go over and check it out.
When they look down, they are surprised to find they can’t see the bottom.
So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen…
Nothing.
One of them says, "Man, that’s a deep hole!"
Thinking they might hear something larger hit the bottom, they find a big, old cinder block and pitch it over the side.
The pause and listen intently…
They hear a sound, but it is coming from behind them!
They quickly turn around to see a goat bearing down on them with it head lowered, flying along, its feet barely touching the ground, its moving so fast!
The two men dive out of its way just in time and the goat plunges past them, into the seemingly bottomless hole, to its doom.
The two look at each other and say, "Boy that was close! We’d better get away from this thing before we end up with the goat!"
So they continue on their way down the road until they happen across this farmer working near it.
The men again put their heads together and figure that the goat belongs to the farmer and the decide to tell him what happened.
"Hey Mr. Farmer. Do you happen to own a goat?" one of the men asked.
The farmer replies, "Yeah, why do you ask?"
The men then tell what happened at the hole and how they narrowly avoided death in the hole from the speeding goat.
The farmer said, "Well boys, I don’t think that was my goat. You see, my goat was really old and crippled up with arthritis. There is no way he could have been moving that fast. Besides, I had him tied to this big, old cinder block."
Q: What's red and goes up and down?
A: A tomato in an elevator.
A:I have the perfect son.
Q:Does he smoke?
A:No, he doesn't.
Q:Does he drink whiskey?
A:No, he doesn't.
Q:Does he ever come home late?
A:No, he doesn't.
Q:I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A:He will be six months old next Wednesday.
Deer Hunter.
A sportsman, and father of 3 sons, was anxious to share his latest kill with his family for Sunday dinner.
He didn't want his sons to refuse tasting the delicious venison, so he sat the boys down to dinner without telling them what the meat was they were about to eat.
"Oh come on Dad," said the oldest son. "What is this meat?"
"Just taste it," said the father, "You will love it."
The boys eyed each other nervously and put a piece of the meat on their forks.
"Give us a little hint.", pleaded the second son.
"Only if you take a bite.", said the father.
As each boy took a cautious bite of the venison, the father continued, "Let me think, your mother calls me this from time to time."
The oldest boy shouted, "Spit it out boys, it's asshole!"