Joke #3018

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce." "Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house." The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that! What's the big deal about a two-story house?" The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is...**I have a headache** and the other story is **It's that time of the month!** "

Lawyer: ‘Let me give you my honest opinion.’ Client: ‘No, no. I’m paying for professional advice.’

What’s the difference between a shame and a pity? If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff and there are no survivors – that’s a pity. If there were any empty seats – that’s a shame.

Two law partners hire a new cute, young secretary and a contest arises between them as to who can bed her first, even though they’re both already married. Eventually one of them scores with her and his partner is quite eager to hear how things went. “So what did you think?” he asks. “Ahh,” replies the first lawyer, “my wife is better.” Some time goes by, and then the second lawyer goes to bed with the secretary. “So,” asks the first guy, “what did you think?” The second guy replies, “You were right.”

Q: What can a goose do that a duck can't do and a lawyer should do? A: Stick his bill up his ass.

How do you make a group of lawyers to smile for a photo? Just say, "Fees."

A lawyer, an engineer and a mathematician were called in for a test. The engineer went in first and was asked, "What is 2+2?" The engineer thought awhile and finally answered, "4." Then the mathemetician was called in and was asked the same question. With little thought he replied, "4.0" Then the lawyer was called in, and was asked the same question. The lawyer answered even quicker than the mathematician, "What do you want it to be?"

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q: Why is it that so many lawyers have broken noses? A: From chasing parked ambulances.

What do you call Satan and a lawyer? Twins!

What can a goose do, a duck can’t, and a lawyer should? Stick his bill up his rear.