A man walks into a bar and he has a pet octopus. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender "give us two beers over here!" The bartender walks over and see's the octopus and he says, "Didn't you see the sign over there it says no pets allowed!" The man say's to the bartender, "oh but you don't understand this is a special octopus and he can play any musical instrument that you have." The bartender replied back, "well I'll tell you what, if he can play any instrument you can both drink for free all night!" The bartender walks up to the band playing and grabs a guitar. He puts it down on the bar. The octopus crawls up on the bar and feels around the guitar for a little while, then finally he picks it up and starts jamming. He's so good he sounded like Jimi Hendricks! The bartender was amazed and says, "alright lets try one more". This time he goes into the back room and brings out a dusty old set of bagpipes and promptly put them on the bar and says "lets see him play this!" The octopus starts crawling all over the bagpipes. He continues this for quite awhile. The bartender shouted out " See I knew he couldn't play all these instruments!" And the man replies, "Just give him a few more minutes... as soon as he figures out he can't have sex with it, he'll play it!"
Q: Why couldn't the pony sing? A: Because he's a little hoarse.
How do you make a cat be a dog? Pour gasoline on it and light it with a match. It will go 'WOOF.'
What do you call a penguin in the desert? Lost!
Q. What's green and red? A. A very mad frog.
What is the definition of revenge? A baby with a dog in its mouth.
How do you hire a horse? Put a brick under each hoof!
Why do you never see zebras or antelopes at Victoria Station? Because it's a mane-lion station.
Q: Where did the newlywed horses stay? A: In the bridle suite.
Q: What do women and cats have in common? A: Pussy farts.
Why was the horse all charged up? It ate some haywire!