An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive. For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded the pessimist. "Your dog can't swim!"
Q: What is the difference between Cheerios and Georgia Tech? A: Cheerios belong in a bowl.
A regular Friday night poker game was still going strong well after midnight when one of the players returned from bathroom with an urgent report. "Roger, listen," he told the host, "Walter's in the kitchen making love to your wife!" "OK, that's it, guys," Roger said. "This is positively the last deal."
Peter: Why was the Olympian not able to listen to music? Matthew: Why? Peter: Because he broke the record!
Yo Momma's a bowling ball. She is round and heavy, men stick three fingers into her and push her in the gutter. Then she comes rolling back for more.
Rugby player: "Doctor, doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror - I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" Doctor: "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
Golfer: "My wife says if I don't stop playing golf she's going to leave me!" Caddy: "I'm sure you will miss her terribly, sir!"
Basketball is the perfect game for a black person. All you do is run, shoot and steal.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Yo mama so fat when she was swimming in the ocean the indians claimed her as the new land.
Q: What's the worst thing about being lonely? A: Playing Frisbee.