Why did the man keep doing the backstroke? He’d just had lunch and didn’t want to swim on a full stomach!
A man had an idea that could make him rich. After it was perfected he brought it to an inventors' help group. When asked what his great invention was, he pulled out an apple. The group looked at it and started laughing. The inventor said, "You don't understand! Taste it." A volunteer tried it and said, "Mmmmmmm, tastes like peaches." The inventor said, "Flip it over." He flipped it over and took another chunk of the apple. "Mmmmmmmm, tastes like grapes." The inventor offered a new apple and the volunteer said, "What does it taste like?" "Pussy," said the inventor. The guy bit into it, and spit it out with an awful look on his face and shouted, "That tasted like ass!" The inventor winked and said, "Flip it over."
Coach: Your roommate and the captain of the team reported that you have many bad words for me in your sleep! So do you abuse me in your sleep! Football Player: Coach, It is just not true! Coach: What is not true, I trust the captain and I am asking this in front of him! Football player: Coach, It is untrue that I was sleeping!
Dad shouts: "Stop watching porn, I can hear it in my room!" Son: "Dad.. I'm not watching porn, that is Maria Sharapova playing Tennis!"
Q: What's the difference between a teabag and england? A: The teabag stays in the cup longer!
Q: What's brown and very bad for your dental health? A: A baseball bat.
Q: Why there are many bubbles on the pool's water? A: Swimmers are farting.
Yo mama's so skinny, she used a needle for a baseball bat.
Q: Why is horse racing so romantic? A: Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette all enter the International Breast Stroke Swim across the English Channel. After about 8 hours, the brunette makes it across, followed shortly by the redhead. No sign of the blonde. After 12 hours they decide they'd better go look for her when she pretty much washes up on shore. They rush over to her and wrap her in warm blankets and give her a hot drink. After a few minutes, she is breathing easier and says, "I don't like to tattle, but I think those other ladies were using their arms!"
A soccer coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said: "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks: "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then he answered: "I think... no... yes... I’m not sure... what about 4?" "Did you say 4?" the smiled coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right. At that, all the other players on the team began screaming: "Come on coach, give him another chance!"