What would happen if tarantulas were as big as horses?
If one bit you, you could ride it to hospital!
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A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo.
They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her, yanks her over the fence, and takes her to his nest in the pen.
There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital.
Her friend, deeply concerned, visits her the next day.
“Are you hurt?” she asks.
She replies, “Of course I’m hurt! He hasn’t called! He hasn’t written!”
Mohan (to the doctor): "Doctor, can you diagnose my Illness?"
Doctor: "Your eyesight seems to be poor."
Mohan: "How did you come to that conclusion?"
Doctor: "You seemed to have missed noticing the sign, hung outside. This is a veterinary hospital."
Q: Where does a kangaroo go that can't hop?
A: Hopspital.
A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital.
After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead.
The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter (who wasn't blonde any longer, but just had to be at one time) that her mother didn't make it.
"Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!" the former blonde asked.
Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.
Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno.
But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.
Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol... ."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
Vote:
I took my wife's family out for biscuits and tea.
They weren't very happy about having to donate blood though.
A lady tells the nurse at a maternity hospital, "I want to call my little baby Ellie."
Nurse replies, "I'm sorry, but that name is already taken, perhaps you can consider naming her Ellie532 or Ellie_153?"
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital.
The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.
"Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?"
"I don’t see why not," replies the doctor.
"That’s funny," says the man. "I wasn’t able to play it before."
A police station gets 2 new horses and 2 cops are assigned to be mounted policemen.
They go on a ride and come back pleased.
"This horse is great! From now on I'll always take this one" said the first cop.
"My horse's great too. So I'll always take it" replied the second cop.
"But how do we know which is which?"
They though for a minute or two and one of them came up with an idea.
"Lets cut off this ones tail"
The other cop agreed and the horse lost it's tail.
The next morning The police chief is standing infront of the horses and looks really mad.
The two cops see this and ask whats wrong.
"You two morons cut off the horses tail that's what's wrong!"
"But otherwise we couldn't tell them apart."
"Can't you see the black one is a bit taller then the brown one?!"