A guy walked into a bar and said
"Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender."
But when it was time to pay, the guy didn't have the money, so the bartender beat him up.
The next day the guy did the same thing, ordered a beer for everyone, even the bartender, and the bartender beat him up since the guy couldn't pay.
Then the next day, the guy said "Beers for everyone! But not you, bartender!"
The bartender said "Why?"
The guy replyed "You're violent when you're drunk!"
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Warning: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.
Q: Why doesn't Simon Cowell drink whiskey?
A: Because it makes him mean!
A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.
The guy asks, "What's this about?"
The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?"
The guy replies, "Nah, the steaks are too high."
"Young man," said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant.
"It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your present sorry state!"
"I'm glad to hear you say that," replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief.
"Everybody else says it's all my fault!"
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." the man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
What a barman!
When I asked for something tall, cold and full of gin, he called his wife out.
A stewardess approaches a passenger on a flight.
‘Would you care for an orange juice, sir?’
The passenger replies, ‘Sure, if it needed me.’
Why beer goes through your system so fast?
Because it does not have to stop to change color.
A guy is sitting in a bar and turns to the Asian guy next to him and asks:
"Hey do you know, Tae Kwon Do, Jiu Jitsu, Kung Fu or any of that sh*t?"
Offended the Asian man replies: "What you think that just because I'm asian I know martial arts?"
The man replies: "Nah its because you're drinking my f*cking bourbon"
So a man walks into a bar with a large box, the bar tender goes up to him and asks “whats in the box”.
The man says “I’ll show ya’ if you get me a beer.”
So of course the bar tender gets the man a beer, the man drinks it, and he pulls out a little foot tall man and he pulls out a little piano.
The little man starts playing the piano!
Next the bar tender asks “hey! thats prety cool, where did ya’ get that?”
The man says” I’ll tell ya’ if you get me another beer.”
So the bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and he says “I got it from a geenie and a lamp”
The bar tender says “If ya’ let me barrow that geenie and that lamp I’ll give ya’ another beer.”
The man says “Oh, Okay!”
The bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and the man gives the bar tender the lamp.
The bar tender rubs the lamp and the geenie pops out!
The geenie says “Master, I grant you one wish, what is it?”
The bar tender says “I wish for a million bucks!” And all of a sudden a million ducks start flying into the room.
“What the heck is this! I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks!”
And the man says “Well did you think I wished for a 12 inched pianist!”