A old snake goes to see his Doctor.
"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days".
The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"
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Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?
A: They both get fucked up when they're on their backs.
What is a cow's favorite lunch meat?
Bullogna.
How do you confuse a frog?
Put it in a round bowl and tell it to take a nap in the corner.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Did you hear about the cannibal spider that ate his uncle's wife?
He was an aunteater.
Chuck Norris can light ants on fire with a magnifying glass.
At Night.
Vote:
Two old ladies were outside smoking one day when it started to rain.
One of the ladies took out a condom, cut off the tip, and put it over her cigarette.
The other lady said, 'Hey, that's a good idea.
What's that called?'
The lady responded, 'It's a condom.'
The other lady said, 'Where can you get one of those?'
She said, 'Oh, just about any grocery of drug store.'
So, the next day, the lady went to a local drug store, went up to the cashier, and said, 'I need to get some condoms.'
The cashier looked at her puzzled (because of her age) and said, 'UH, what size?'
The lady responded, 'Hmm, one that would fit a camel.'
Q. Where do polar bears vote?
A. The North Poll.
What fur do we get from a tiger?
As fur as possible!