Joke #3122

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It`s for my husband," she tells the clerk. "Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk. "Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn`t even know that I`m going to shoot him!"

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football!" A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says - "Touchdown, tie score!" After about five minutes the old man farts again and says - "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!" Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, - "Touchdown, tie score!" Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says - "Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!" Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed. The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?" The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!"

What’s the difference between an aerobics instructor and a torturer? The torturer would apologize first.

Zeke: Why were the swimming elephants thrown out of the Olympics? Kyle: I haven't a clue. Zeke: Because they couldn't keep their trunks up!

A little old lady entered the main branch of a large downtown bank with a large grocery bag in her arms. She told the teller that she wanted to open an account to make a substantial deposit, in excess of $200,000. Further, she said that since such a large sum was involved, she would deal only with the president of the bank to make the necessary arrangements. The teller looked in the bag and confirmed that it was, in fact, full of cash. He called upstairs and explained the situation to the bank president, who agreed to see the woman. The teller escorted her to the president’s office, and the president invited her to have a seat, which she accepted. She repeated her request to open an account. The president said he would take care of it personally, but his curiosity was killing him. He said, "Mind if I ask how you happened to come into such a large sum of cash?" "Not at all," was her reply. "I bet." "You bet?" he countered. "At the racetrack, or on professional sports, or in casinos...?" "Nothing like that," she said. "I just... bet. For example, I`ll bet you $50,000 that by tomorrow morning your balls will be square." The president chuckled but, seeing that the lady had the funds to back up such a wild bet, agreed. They shook hands on it, and she promised to return at nine the next morning to follow up, and left. As the day wore on, the president found himself frequently checking to make sure that all was in order. It was, but just as a precaution he cancelled his regular Tuesday-afternoon golf match and went home early. The next morning when he showered, he was actually quite relieved to find that nothing had changed drastically while he slept. He confidently headed for the bank, laughing all the way at the unexpected windfall that was about to become his. The little old lady showed up promptly at the appointed hour, accompanied by a young man. When the president asked who he was, she replied that he was her lawyer, who she always brought along when payoffs involving significant sums were involved. The president told her that sorry, she had lost that particular bet, so the funds would be outgoing rather than incoming. She insisted on examining the evidence for herself, considering the amount at stake. He deemed it a reasonable request under the circumstances, so he stood up, unbuckled his belt and dropped his pants. She proceeded to closely inspect his jewels for any abnormalities. As she did, the president noticed that her lawyer was standing in the corner, banging his head against the wall. He asked the lady, "What’s the matter with him?" She paused her inspection long enough to glance at the lawyer and replied, "Oh, him. I bet him $250,000 that before ten A.M. today I`d have the president of the bank by the balls."

A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him. "I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always lose control at the same point in every game." "When is that?" "Right after the National Anthem."

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm. His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis. "Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing." Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off. Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football. "Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing!" Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head. Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached. The next day he goes to see his friend but can't find him. He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, "Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday." The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."

Chuck Norris holds the world record for most push ups done in a hour, the number is all of them.

Did you hear John McEnroe went for an audition for the latest Harry Potter film? They turned him down, saying "You cannot be Sirius!"

Why is it so hot in a stadium after a football game? Because all the fans have left.

It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his top. How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed. "You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter." The official just stared. The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!" The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback. The official finally replied, "And how do I smell from here?"