Joke #5495

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched with horror as her ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of them and he immediately fell to the ground clutching his hands together in his groin, and rolled around in obvious agony. The woman rushed over and immediately began to apologize "Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'll allow me" she told him." "Oh no I'll be all right, I'll be fine in a few minutes" the man replied, still lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. Following her persistence however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them at his sides, she loosened his trousers and put her hand inside. She administered tender and skillful massage for several long moments and then asked "How does that feel?" He replied "It feels fabulous, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

Q: What do the World Series and bears on birth control have in common? A: No Cubs

A college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?" "Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."

After a long day of winter sporting, we headed back to the ski lodge. As it was small, a cramped place to stay, we decided it was most fitting to sleep in the same bed. Myself in the middle and my two friends either side of me. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right woke up and said, "I have had a dream where I was given the best handjob ever!" A few minutes later, the guy on my left woke up and said: "I have had a dream that I was given the best handjob ever!" I replied, "well that's funny... I thought I was skiing."

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him ina typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. “Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir” says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. “What are those?, asks the attendant. “They’re called tees” replies Tiger. “Well, what on the god’s earth are dey for?” inquires the Irishman. “They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger. “Fookin Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “BMW thinks of everything!”

Q: Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible? A: When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

Q:Why is basketball the grossest sport there is? A:Because they dribble all over the court.

One morning, while she was making breakfast, the local fitness freak walked up to his wife, pinched her on the bum and said, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." This was a bit over the limit, but she controlled herself and replied with silence. Next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast. "You know love if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bras." That was too far over the limit. She rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. Maintaining a vice grip, she whispered in his ear, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the pool man, the gardener and your brother."

Q: What do you call 2 nuns and a Prostitute on a football field? A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

What do you call a white guy surrounded by 3 niggers? In trouble. What do you call a white guy surrounded by 5 niggers? Coach. What do you call a white guy surrounded by 1000 niggers? Prison Warden.