What’s six inches long, two inches wide and drives women wild?
A fifty-dollar bill.
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It is so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
Q: What did the lawyer name his daughter?
A: Sue.
Q: And his son?
A: Bill.
I am currently experiencing an out-of-money experience.
My boss doesn't believe money equals happiness.
So instead of raises, he gives us Prozac.
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A 67 year old Billionaire from Yorkshire marries a 26 year old woman and takes her down the pub to introduce to his mates...
When his mates see him walk through the door with his new wife they can't believe their eyes.
"By eck old lad! How av you managed to pull a reyt nice lass like her?"
The Yorkshireman replies, "It was easy! I gave her a bit of the old Yorkshire charm and then just lied about my age as well."
"Ah I see, so you told her you was fotty?" Asks his friend.
"No ya daft bugger! I told her I was 90!"
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A lady says to the psychiatrist, "I think I might be a nymphomaniac."
He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour."
She says, "How much for all night?"
Why use Linux: No Windows, no Gates, no Bill to pay.
A 60-year-old millionaire has just married a 20-year-old model.
‘You crafty old devil,’ says his friend.
‘How did you manage to get a lovely young wife like that?’
‘Easy,’ replies the millionaire.
‘I told her I was 95.’
A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in.
“Damn,” he says. “I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.”
“Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket.
“Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.”
So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him.
She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties.
“Why are there two twenties?” she asks.
The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too.”