What’s six inches long, two inches wide and drives women wild? A fifty-dollar bill.
Change is hard. Have you ever tried to bend a coin?
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?" The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking. "You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have." The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?" The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Why don't black people pay rent? Because jail is free.
When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
Using a credit card is a convenient way to spend money you wish you had.
A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman out shopping. ‘I haven’t eaten anything in four days,’ he says. She looks at him and says, ‘God, I wish I had your willpower.’
Why is someone who borrows money but does not pay it all back like a football player? Because sometimes he gives you a quarter back and sometimes a half back.
At the Cedar Rapids Chamber of Commerce meeting the treasurer reported a deficit of two hundred dollars. One of the chamber members stood up and said, "I vote that we donate half of it to the Red Cross and then give the other fifty dollars to the Salvation Army."
Jesus saves. But wouldn’t it have been better if he had invested?