Ladies and Gentlemen, if there is anybody here who is feeling, worried, nervous or apprehensive it is probably because you just married John.
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Boy: "Do you like parties?"
Girl: "Yes, why?"
Boy: "Well then jump in my pants and have a ball!"
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
Diamonds are a girl's best friend.
Dogs are man's best friend.
So which is the dumber sex?
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.
How does a man show he's planning for the Future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
A guy has a talking dog.
He brings it to a talent scout.
"This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent.
"Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what’s on the top of a house?"
"Roof!" the dog replies.
"Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds.
"All dogs go ‘roof’."
"No, wait," the guy says.
He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?"
"Rough!" the dog answers.
The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare.
He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says.
"This one will amaze you.
" He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog.
And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.
And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.
Vote:
There are 5 birds in a tree.
A hunter shoots 2 of them dead.
How many birds are left?
2 birds.
The other 3 fly away!
Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.