What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.
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Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.
What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
A man is moaning to his mate that he never has any luck with pulling women.
His mate tells him he has a chat up line that never fails, no matter how good looking the women are he always ends up in bed with them.
Great says his mate, what is it!
Just walk up to any woman you fancy and say, "Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion! Does this damp piece of cloth smell like chloroform to you?"
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother.
On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said...
'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'
Men are born between the legs of women and spend all their life trying to get back between them. Why?
Theres no place like home ...
A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company.
There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright, but after a few months he gets lonely.
The pig starts to look more and more attractive, soft, pink flesh, round buttocks.
But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg.
Very frustrating.
One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious.
He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health.
Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."
The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"
How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three.
One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove.
How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.
MEN Vs WOMEN
1. MEN discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT. WOMEN discovered paint and invented makeup.
2. Men discovered word and invented conversation. Women discovered conversation and invented gossip.
3. Men discovered gambling and invented cards. Women discovered cards and invented Witchery.
4. Men discovered trading and invented money. Women discovered money and invented shopping. There after Men have discovered and invented lots of things while Women STUCK TO SHOPPING.
There's 3 army generals and the government decides to pay them any way they want measured.
First guy says measure from the tip of my toe to the end of my finger.
So they do and its 73 inches so they pay him $730,000.
The second guy does the same and gets paid $650,000.
The third guy goes measure from the tip of my penis to the back of my balls.
They say OK drop your pants, so he does and they measure.
"You have no balls" they say.
"Yes I do," he replies, "they're still in Vietnam.