What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant? Any place without a drive-up window.
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.
Q. How do men define a long-term relationship? A. A second date.
A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?" The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two make passionate love and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy idiot."
Q: How does a man show he is planning for the future? A: He buys two cases of beer.
Why do men name their penises? Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.
Why did God create man? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Q: Why is it jewish men won't go down on a woman? A: Too close to the gas chamber.
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Women need a reason to have sex - men just need a place.