Why is money green?
Because people usually pick it before it's ripe!
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Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready.
"I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory.
We are very sorry, but it's the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others" he is told by the doorman.
Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss.
So the doorman leads him to the dorm.
They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants.
"See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!"
"That's wonderful!" says Albert.
"We can discuss mathematics!"
"And here is your second room mate.
His IQ is 150!"
"That's wonderful!" says Albert.
"We can discuss physics!"
"And here is your third room mate.
His IQ is 100!"
"That's wonderful!
We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!"
Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it.
"I'm your last room mate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80."
Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, where do you think interest rates are headed?"
What’s the difference between an insurance company actuary and a Mafia actuary?
An insurance company actuary can tell you how many people will die this year, a Mafia actuary can name them.
Father's Day always worried James.
He was afraid that he will get a gift he can't afford.
Vote:
Q: How do you know you've got a good tax accountant?
A: He's had a loophole named after him.
Vote:
A young attorney who had taken over his father’s practice rushed home elated one night.
“Dad, listen,” he shouted, “I’ve finally settled that old McKinney suit.”
“Settled it!” cried his astonished father. “Why, you idiot! We have been living off of that money for five years!”
Like changing coins - I always desired to change my 60 old years wife to three 20 years girls!
Wife: "Honey let's play a game?"
Husband: "Ok, what is the game all about?"
Wife: "If I mention a country, you will run to the left side of the room and touch the wall. And if I mention a bird you will run to the right side of the room and touch the wall. If you run to the wrong direction, you will give me all your salary for the month."
Husband: "Ok and if you fail, I will have your salary too right?"
Wife: (smile) "Yes darling."
Husband: "Ok" (stood up and was ready to run to any direction)
Wife: "Are u ready?"
Husband: "Yes, ready."
Wife: "Turkey"
It has been 4 hours now the husband is still standing at the spot wondering if she meant the country or the bird.
Q: Why is divorce so costly?
A: Because its justified, despite all the trouble.
The Bible says I'll pay for my sins.
I already do, Escorts, drugs and alcohol don't come free.