How do you know if a man is lying? His lips are moving!
He: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way. She: Well, you succeeded.
Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom? To keep the swelling down.
There were 11 people – ten men and one woman – hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter. They all decided that one person should get off, because if they didn’t, the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally, the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return. When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.
There is the chief of Indians, and he is going down a field with his tribe, and they come across a pile of sh*t.So the chief asks his tribe men : "Does this look like sh*t to you?" "Yes is does", they replied. "Smell it. Does it smell like sh*t to you", asks the Chief. "Mmmmm..Yes" "Feel it. Does it feel like sh*t to you?", says the Chief. "Mmmmm..Yes" "Lick it. Does it taste like sh*t to you?", inquires the Chief. "Ammmm...Yes" "Good. Don't step on it!"
Men are born between the legs of women and spend all their life trying to get back between them. Why? Theres no place like home ...
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!" Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
A man enters a store and says: "15 litres of wine please." "Did you bring a container for this? " "You're speaking to it."
Two men walked into a restaurant, the first one asks for tea. The second also asks for tea. "And make sure the glass is clean," he tells the waiter. When the waiter returns with the two glasses of tea he asks, "Which one of you asked for the clean glass?"
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Men are like buses. They have spare tires and smell funny.