How can you tell if a man is lying? You can see his lips moving.
What does a man call true love? An erection.
Man to a woman: "Do you know the difference between a blowjob and a cheeseburger is?" Woman: "No." Man: "Lets have lunch sometime…"
What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO? I don't know, I've never seen either one.
Q. Why did the woman bury her husband 12 feet under? A. Because deep down he's a good person.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
Two guys die in a car accident and an angel descends from heaven. "I am to give you your wings so you can fly to heaven. But if you think one dirty thought or act out one dirty act your wings will fall off." So they fly to heaven without any trouble but when they get there the first guy sees a naked woman walk by so his wings falll off. When he bends over to pick them up the second guy's wings fall off.
Why do men buy electric lawn mowers? So they can find their way back to the house.
"Lisa, why are you so angry with me?" "Because I'm Christine."
Six nuns are washing themselves all together when the doorbell rings. One nun goes to the door and says 'who is it?' An elderly gentleman replies "It's the blind man from the village" so the nun shouts to the others, "don't worry it's just the blind man from the village, I'll let him in." She lets him in and goes "how can we help?" The gent replies "I'm just going to go measure your blinds, but nice tits"