How can you tell that elephants have been doing it in your garage?
All your Hefty Bags are missing.
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What did the magician say when he made his rabbit disappear?
Hare today, gone tomorrow.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
It takes a master to shoot a fly from a hundred Paces, but it takes a Chuck Norris to roundhouse-kick one from a thousand.
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Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a Democrat?
A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
An Australian guy walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm.
He asks the bartender if he will give him free drinks if he shows he can put his penis inside the crocs mouth for 15 seconds without it getting bit off.
The bartender agrees.
The guy opens the crocs mouth and puts his penis inside it; the croc gently closes his mouth and after 15 seconds the Australian hits him over the head with a bottle, causing the croc to open his mouth and let the guy withdraw his penis.
The bartender starts serving the free drinks to the Austr alian and then tells everyone in the bar "If anyone else can do that then I will give them free drinks also".
There is a pause and then a blonde woman calls out "ok, I will do it but please don't hit me so hard over my head with the bottle".
What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor?
Ground Beef.
Piranhas in the aquarium: sink your finger, lose your finger-game!
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What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?
An udder failure.
Did you hear about the overweight man who took up horse riding as exercise?
The horse lost 15 pounds in a week!