A man walks into a barber shop and says, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."
The barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge while a woman with the biggest, most beautiful breasts he has ever seen kneels down and shines his shoes.
The man says, "You and I should spend some time in a hotel room."
She replies, "My husband wouldn't like that."
The man says, "Tell him you're working overtime, and I'll pay you the difference."
She says, "You tell him.
He's the one shaving you."
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A wife sending a short message to her husband:
It was just said on the news that they found a hideous corpse with a hollow head, a cigar among ugly rotten teeth and a bottle of liquor in his hand. I'm worried about you!. Please, give me a ring...
A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity:
looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long?
Hit the damn ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse.
I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man," says his partner.
"You'll never hit her from here."
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage.
She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns.
I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
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The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter.
In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.
Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state.
Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on a 50 year old executive.
Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars.
Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank.
She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.
By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car.
She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"
An old mountaineer and his young ex-wife were fighting over custody of their children.
The mother protested that since she brought her kids into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The judge asked the old mountaineer for his side of the story.
After a long moment of silence, the mountaineer rose from his chair and asked, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"
Marge was cheating on her husband with another man when they heard a noise on the stairs.
"Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?"
"Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he's not going to notice you."
Sure enough, Marge's husband crawled into bed, but as he pulled up the covers, he exposed six feet.
"Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!"
"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again."
The husband got out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. By damn, you're right, dear."
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."
Husband to wife: ‘Put your coat on, I’m going to the pub.’
Wife: ‘Oh that’s nice, are you taking me for a drink?’
Husband: ‘No, I’m turning the heating off.’
A married couple went out to a nice restaurant to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.
While driving home the wife saw a tear coming from her husband’s eye.
“Are you happy that we have spent 50 splendid years together?” she said.
He said, “No.
I was just thinking about our wedding and how your father threatened me with a shotgun that is I didn’t marry you right then he would have me thrown in prison for 50 years.
Tomorrow I could have been free!”