Joke #3424

Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are man's best friend. So which is the dumber sex?
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Question: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? Answer: When she starts her sentence with, “A man once told me…”
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Why do women make better soldiers? Because they can bleed for a week and not die.
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A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."
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Q. What do you call a sensitive, intelligent man? A. An oxymoron.
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Every man thinks he's a dream of every woman. Sorry guys, but the dream of every woman is eating all the time and not to get fat.
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Men are like.....Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
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Q: How many men does it take to open a beer? A: None, it better be open when she brings it to you.
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Men are like.....Weather. Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
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Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
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After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a $50.00 bottle. "That’s a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That’s still quite a bit," Tim complained. Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I’d like to see something really cheap." The clerk handed him a mirror.
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