Joke #3424

Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are man's best friend. So which is the dumber sex?

I stopped at a friend's house the other day and found him stalking around with a fly-swatter. When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered: "Yeah, three males and two females." Curious, I asked how he could tell the difference. He said: "Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone."

I love the lines the men use to get us into bed: "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute." What am I...? A microwave?

Q. Why did the man cross the road? A. He heard the chicken was a slut.

What's the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fat? Divorce him.

A man goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce dangling from his rectum. "That looks nasty," says the doctor. "Nasty?" the man says. "That's just the tip of the iceberg."

Men are like.....Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Bob saw his doctor and asked if he had ever laughed at a patient. "In over 20 years I haven't because I try to remain professional." With that Bob dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest dick the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery. The doctor burst into uncontrolable hysteria. "I'm sorry I really am, I don't know what came over me, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen" said Bob.

Why do men name their penises? Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that bull came home this morning."

Q: How can you tell when a man is dead? A: He stays stiff for more than two minutes.