A man asks his mute friend what he wants in a woman.
The mute friend points to his head.
His friend says, "Yes, intelligence is important."
Then, the mute friend rubs his thumb on the palm of his hand.
His friend nods and says, "Certainly a woman with money would be nice."
Then, the mute friend opens his hands wide in front of him, cups his fingers and makes a bouncing motion.
His friend looks at him strangely.
"What the heck do you want a woman with arthritis for?"
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A couple had been married for 50 years and had raised a brood of 10 children and was blessed with 20 grandchildren.
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies,
"Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."
A woman applies for a job in a lemon grove.
‘Have you got any experience picking lemons?’ asks the foreman.
‘I certainly have,’ says the woman.
‘I’ve been married four times.’
Wife to husband: ‘One more word and I’m going straight back to mother!’
Husband: ‘Taxi!!’
I got home and found a man in bed with my wife.
I said, ‘Who said you could sleep with my wife?’
He said, ‘Everybody.’
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
Lady Astor to Winston Churchill: ‘If you were my husband I’d poison your brandy.’
Churchill: ‘If you were my wife I’d drink it.’
Wife: "There's something preying on my mind."
Husband: "Don't worry, it'll soon die of starvation."
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On the day of her wedding to Prince Edward, Sophie gets dressed and realizes that she forgot her shoes.
Panic sets in until her sister loans her another pair of shoes.
Unfortunately they are a bit too small and at the end of the night Sophie's feet are in agony.
The rest of the Royal Family crowds around the door to the bedroom and they hear grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually, they hear Edward say, "God, that was tight."
"There," whispers the Queen to the Duke, "I told you she was a virgin."
Then, to their surprise, they hear Edward say, "Right. Now for the other one." Followed by more grunting and, "My God. That was even tighter."
"That's my boy," says the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."