What’s the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?
Drunks don’t have to go to the meetings.
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A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.
"If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.
But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it.
This is my position, and I will not compromise."
A drunk on his way home from a bar one night realizes that he has dropped his keys.
He gets down on his hands and knees and starts groping around beneath a lamppost.
A policeman asks what he’s doing.
"I lost my keys in the park,” says the drunk.
"Then why are you looking for them under the lamppost?” asks the puzzled cop.
"Because,” says the drunk, "that’s where the light is.”
A man died and went to hell and was sitting on a stone looking very depressed.
Another demon came up to him and asked: "Why the glum look, man?"
The man replied: "Well I just died and now I'm in hell."
But the demon just smiled and said: "Don't feel bad, it's not a bad thing at all. Do you like smoking?" the demon asked.
The man's face lit up and he answered; "Yeah!" "Well on Mondays we all get together and smoke till we die. The best thing is, we're already dead!" the demon answered.
"Alright!" creid the man.
"Do you like drinking?" the demon asked.
"Yeah!" The man answered.
"Well on Wednesdays we all get together and drink till we die. The best thing is, we're already dead!" the demon answered.
"Sweet!" cried the man.
"Are you gay?" asked the demon.
The man frowned and said: "No."
The demon replied: "Oh, then you're gonna hate Saturdays..."
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, FLOOR.
Q: Why did God create alcohol?
A: So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.
Man says to his boss "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss says "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man says "Ok I have a serious drinking opportunity."
Vote:
Two guys are fishing when one of them catches a fish.
He brings it in the boat and as he cuts it open to clean it, a genie pops out and says, "Thanks for freeing me. I will grant you one wish."
The fisherman looks around and says, "Well, we are almost out of beer, how about you turn this whole damn lake into beer".
*POOF* the genie grants his wish and leaves.
His partner slaps him on the chest and says, "What the hell did you do that for, now we have to piss in the boat!!"
Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: About eight beers.
A bear walks into a pub, and takes a huge bite out of the bar.
‘Get out!’ shouts the barman.
‘We don’t serve druggies.’
‘But I’m not a druggie,’ replies the puzzled bear.
‘Yeah?
Then what about the bar bit you ate?’
This Refrigeration Truck Driver goes into the bar and he asks the bartender "I'd like to have a shot of Gin."
The bartender decides to have some fun with him.
So the bartender says "All right, what kind of gin would you like?"
The trucker said "You mean there's more than one kind of gin?"
Bartender says "Sure. You've got Hydrogen, Oxyogen, and Nitrogen."
The trucker said "Oh!!!! Well, did you know there are three kinds of turds?"
Bartender says "What do you mean three kinds of turds?"
Trucker says "Well, you've got Mustard, Custard, and you, you big shit. Now give me my gin."