Joke #4644

What’s the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic? Drunks don’t have to go to the meetings.

A Catholic Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Oh Goddammit, no! We don't like jokes in here and if you guys are a part of one, you're gonna have to leave right now!" So the catholic priest, rabbi, and atheist leave the bar and a chicken walks in. The bartender says, "OH COME ON! We don't serve CHICKENS in here!" The chicken says, "Do you know somewhere that does?" The bartender says, "Yeah.." The chicken asks, "Well, where is it?" The bartender says, "It's across the road."

Q. How many night club bouncers does it take to throw someone down the stairs? A. None! He fell.

A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. The guy asks, "What's this about?" The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?" The guy replies, "Nah, the steaks are too high."

Man: I have no sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the time. Fields: A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy

A drunk falls into one of the fountains in Trafalgar Square. Floundering around, he looks up and sees Nelson standing on his column. ‘Don’t jump!’ he shouts. ‘This is the shallow end!’

Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!" The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".

One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him." So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!" The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?", "I'm from Dublin", second man stunned says, "Me too! What street do you live on?", "McCarthy street", second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?", the first man announces, "162", second man shocked says, "Me too! What are your parents names?", first man replies, "Connor and Shannon", second man awestruck says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!" So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?" "Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

A Russian walks into a bar and orders a beer. "That will be one ruble," says the bartender. "One ruble!" the customer protests, "last week it was only fifty kopeks!" "Well," replies the bartender, "it's fifty kopeks for the beer and fifty kopecs for the perestroika." Reluctantly, the customer gives the bartender a ruble, and is surprised when the bartender gives him back fifty kopecs and says, "We are out of beer."

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle. 2. Forgive your enemies but remember their name. 3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again. 4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them. 5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk!

A plastic surgeon invented a radical new face lift procedure and was explaining it to a prospective patient. He told her, “I’ll install a special screw in the top of your skull. Your hair will cover it so it will be unnoticed. Whenever you need a little tuck, we’ll just tighten the screw a little,… and the wrinkles will disappear!” The woman was enthused and told the doctor to, “GO FOR IT!” The surgery was a resounding success, and the woman went home happy. A few months later, the woman returned in a great state of agitation. She pointed to her face and said, “Just look at these bags under my eyes! Where the hell did they come from?” The surgeon looked at her closely and said, “Those aren’t BAGS under your eyes. Those are your breasts. And if you keep messing around with that screw,… pretty soon you’ll have a goatee!”