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Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie.
As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, "Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife."
Donnie says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Ronnie says, "Where did you get that beer, Donnie?"
"Cooter's wife gave it to me," Donnie replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
"Well, not exactly", Donnie says.
"When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Cooter's widow."
She said, "You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow."
Then I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."
Husband says: "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".
Wife replied: "What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
What does a man call true love?
An erection.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
Who knows? - It hasn't happened yet!!
Three guys are at a restaurant, all with their girlfriends.
The first guy, thinking he is all suave, says to his girlfriend, "Could you pass me the honey?...Honey."
Now, the second guy, copying the first, says to his girlfriend, "Could you pass me the sugar?...Sugar."
So now, the third guy is under pressure.
He has to come up with something good.
After, a minute of thinking he says to his girlfriend, "Pass me the pork...pig."
A woman arrived at a party.
While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."
"That’s a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore I chose 'Carmen'"
"What’s your name?” she asked.
He answered "B. J. Titsengolf."
Sid and Irv are business partners.
They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife.
So Irv dies.
Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife.
Then one day he gets a call.
It's Irv.
"So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks.
"Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day."
"Oh, my God," says Sid "So that's what heaven is like?"
"Oh no," says Irv. "I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park."
A Knight was getting ready for the crusade.
Ha turned to his friend and told him:
"My fiancée is the most beautiful girl in the world and I can't imagine her being with someone else, while I'm gone. You're my best friend and I trust you. Here's the key for her chastity belt. In case I never get back, unlock her and set her free."
When the crusade Knights were a mile away from the village, the Knight gets an urgent message:
"Mate, You Gave Me The Wrong Key!"