Joke #3652

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"

On the Internet you can be anything you want. It's so strange that many people choose to be stupid.

A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." "What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back. "Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible." "When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest. "I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards." "Is that when you swore?" "No, Father." Said the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away." Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again. "Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest. "No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest. "No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole." "You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.

Q: Why is it good to have a Jewish car? A: It can stop on a dime, and pick it up for you too!

Customer: "Waiter, what’s the meaning of this fly in my tea up?" Waiter: "I wouldn’t know sir, I’m a waiter, not a fortune teller."

Yo mama so stupid that when I was drowning I yelled out to her that I needed a life saver and she said "Cherry or grape?"

Q: What’s the definition of a pessimist? A: A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.

Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."

Man: You've brought religion into my life. Woman: Really? How? Man: Until I met you, I didn't believe in Hell.

Coworker: Can you help me with this project? Me: The short answer is no. Coworker: What's the long answer? Me: Nooooooo.

The results of in-depth studies have determined that the most often used sexual position for marriedcouples is the "doggie position". The husband sits up and begs and the wife rolls over and plays dead.