How do you get a Michigan girl into an elevator? Grease her hips, and throw in a Twinkie.
John: "Hey can I borrow some money? I'm broke." Michael: "Get money from your job." John: "I got fired." Michael: "Why?" John: "My boss told me to leave all my problems behind the door, so I told him to stand outside." Michael: "This is why we are friends."
Doc, I think I need to wear glasses Indeed you have to, you are in a bank.
You want to come in my life, the door is open. You want to get out of my life, the door is open. Just one request. Don’t stand at the door, you’re blocking the traffic.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Why wasn't Jesus born in Tennessee? They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin...
What does a British potato say when it thinks something is wonderful? It's mashing!
Men are born between the legs of women and spend all their life trying to get back between them. Why? Theres no place like home ...
In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth... After that, everything else was Made in China.
My skydiving instructor would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions. One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?" Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."