Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? A: He didn't have the guts!
A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet. He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp. "This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual, granted him three wishes. "I would like an ice-cold Coke right now." He gets his Coke and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible." Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish. "I wish I'd never have to work again." Instantly, he was back in his government office.
Where are you going for vacation this year? I checked my budget and decided that I didn't get tired.
The organizers of the concert complain to the conductor of a choir: You were supposed to bring a mixed choir, but I can see only men here. But it is a mixed choir – half of them know how to sing, and the other half- do not.
Boy asks his Gran nervously, "have you seen my pills ... they were labeled LSD ?" Gran replies "fuck your pills ! Have you seen the dragon in the kitchen ?!"
So the buddhist pulls a gun out of his coat and the vendor says, "Whoa whoa whoa, what about inner peace?". The Buddhist responds "This is my inner piece".
A director’s wife hears that her husband has a new secretary. The director comes home and the wife starts putting questions: Does this new secretary of yours have nice legs? I don’t know. What color do her eyes have? I didn’t notice... But about dressing, how does she dress? Very fast...
If one drop of semen contains more life than a drop of blood, why don't vampires suck cock? Oh wait... Twilight
The government shutdown has officially lasted longer than any of Taylor Swift's relationships.
Two Reasons why it's so hard to solve a redneck murder: Firstly, the DNA all matches and secondly, there are no dental records.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death, he beats it fair and square.