Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: He didn't have the guts!
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John: "Hey can I borrow some money? I'm broke."
Michael: "Get money from your job."
John: "I got fired."
Michael: "Why?"
John: "My boss told me to leave all my problems behind the door, so I told him to stand outside."
Michael: "This is why we are friends."
Vote:
*WINS AN OSCAR*
Me: I'd like to thank my legs, for always supporting me; my arms, who are always by my side and lastly my fingers, I can always count on them.
Why wasn't Jesus born in Tennessee?
They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin...
It was tough for me, got caught up: cutting class, drinking, smoking, gambling, raping and pillaging the town.
What I'm trying to tell you is the fifth grade was hell for me, alright?
How come the village Guy Fawkes won the Nobel Peace Prize?
Cause he was outstanding in his field.
Customer: "Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?"
Waiter: "Can’t you tell the difference by taste?"
Customer: "No, I can’t."
Waiter: "Then does it really matter?"
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Opportunity.
Don't be silly - opportunity doesn't knock twice!
Vote:
Get to know your mate.
If there's something you need to know about him, just ask him right up front.
And choose the right moment because the fellas don't like opening up.
Like, after intimacy, turn around, look him in his eye and say, "I've been wanting to know, what's your name?"
If you can't say something nice, say it in French.
A guy drives on the highway and sees a sign that says, "Mississippi State Whorehouse 10 miles."
He decides to stop in.
A madam answers the door, and the man requests a whore.
The madam says, "I'll need $500 first."
The man pays, then asks about his whore again.
The madam says "Wait for 15 minutes in that hallway. Go straight, left, straight, right, and then go through the door at the end of the hall."
He follows the directions, walks out the door and finds himself in the parking lot.
His car has a sign on it that says, "Congrats! You've just been screwed by the state of Mississippi!"