Joke #6725

"You seem to be in some distress," said the kindly judge to the witness. "Is anything the matter?" "Well, your Honour," said the witness, "I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects."
Vote:
has 78.12 % from 72 votes. More jokes about: lawyer

Similar jokes

See also best jokes rated by other visitors or new jokes.

An elderly patient needs a heart transplant and discusses his options with his doctor. The doctor says, ‘We have three possible donors. One is a young, healthy athlete. The second is a middleaged businessman who never drank or smoked, and the third is an attorney who just died after practising law for 30 years.’ ‘I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,’ says the patient. ‘Why?’ asks the doctor. The patient replies, ‘It’s never been used.’
Vote:
has 78.23 % from 100 votes. More jokes about: athlete, business, lawyer
A Harvard and Yale Law grad met in a washroom during a law convention. The Harvard graduate said, "Didn't they teach you to wash your hands at Yale?" The Yale grad responded, "They taught us not to piss on our hands."
Vote:
has 66.62 % from 91 votes. More jokes about: lawyer
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Shoot him before he hits the water.
Vote:
has 30.41 % from 9 votes. More jokes about: lawyer
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea. The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no. The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"
Vote:
has 75.77 % from 99 votes. More jokes about: doctor, husband, lawyer, sex
Lawyer: “Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?” Client: “After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.”
Vote:
has 79.94 % from 103 votes. More jokes about: car, lawyer
Why are lawyers buried 12 feet deep when they die instead of the normal six feet? Because deep down they are really good people.
Vote:
has 47.24 % from 38 votes. More jokes about: death, lawyer
Where do rabbits settle their legal disputes? In a pellet court!
Vote:
has 51.67 % from 20 votes. More jokes about: animal, lawyer
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. “You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant. “No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
Vote:
has 85.39 % from 1314 votes. More jokes about: cop, lawyer, marriage, wife
Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says; I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it." "Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?" "Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator. "Hm. Well, where do you catch 'em?" "Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp." "Same here. Hm. How do you catch 'em?" "Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite 'em, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!" "Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a lawyer, there's nothing left but lips and a briefcase..."
Vote:
has 54.05 % from 52 votes. More jokes about: animal, kids, lawyer
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faces the opposing lawyers. ‘Both of you have given me a bribe,’ he says. ‘You, Tom, gave me £15,000. And you, Harry, gave me £10,000.’ The judge reaches into his pocket, pulls out a cheque, and hands it to Tom. ‘I’m returning £5,000, and we’ll now decide this case solely on its merits.’
Vote:
has 76.80 % from 29 votes. More jokes about: lawyer