"You seem to be in some distress," said the kindly judge to the witness. "Is anything the matter?" "Well, your Honour," said the witness, "I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects."
Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team’s response times. “Since we installed our new satellite navigation system,” bragged one, “we’ve cut our emergency response time by ten percent.” “Not bad,” the second paramedic commented. “But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we we cut our average time by 20 percent.” “That’s nothing said the third paramedic. “Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we’ve cut our emergency response time in half!”
What do you call 5,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
In the High Court: Do you know what you get for false testimony? Yes, they promised me a Mercedes...
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said... 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license? "Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!"
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers? A: Professional courtesy.
Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers? New Jersey got to pick first.
The father with his daughter are taking a walk to a public place of their town; "Ann! Why are you so nervously looking around?" observes the father. "How else can I find you a really good son in law, dad?"
A man walked into a lawyer's office. "How much does your advice cost?" he asked the lawyer. "Fifty dollars for three questions," replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "And what was your third question?"