A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office.
Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck.
The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
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A doctor and a lawyer are involved in a car crash.
The lawyer, seeing that the doctor is a little shaken up, offers him a drink from his hip flask.
The doctor accepts, has a drink and hands back the flask.
The lawyer puts it in his pocket.
‘Aren’t you having one yourself?’ asks the doctor.
‘Sure,’ says the lawyer. ‘But I’ll wait till after the police leave.’
In the High Court:
Do you know what you get for false testimony?
Yes, they promised me a Mercedes...
Lawyer: ‘Let me give you my honest opinion.’
Client: ‘No, no. I’m paying for professional advice.’
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early sir", replied the defendant.
"Well that's not an crime", said the judge!
"How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened", answered the prisoner.
A patient that was waiting for a heart transplant has the chance to choose tree alternatives:
1. One heart is from a young athlete that died from a car accident.
2. Second is the heart of a business man that never smoked or drunk that died from an airplane accident.
3. The last one is a lawyers heart that died after 30 years of experience.
I'll take the lawyers heart.
After the transplant, the doctor asks the patient:
"Why did you choose the lawyers heart?"
"Simple! I chose the heart that was less used..."
Lawyer: ‘Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly?
Did you steal the car?’
Client: ‘After hearing you in court, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.’
A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel: “Oh, I see your attorney lost the case!”
The defendant answered, “No, we won.”
A woman went to her doctor for advice.
She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.
The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"
She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?"
She said no.
The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."
The woman was mystified.
She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
The Doctor replied, "Of course.
Where do you think lawyers come from?"
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor.
He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?"
The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.
The man then said, "Call for my lawyer."
When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other.
The man then laid back and closed his eyes.
When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind.
The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side.
I just thought I'd check out the same way."