Joke #3879

What’s the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? Lipstick.
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Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer? A: About three pounds, including the urn.
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A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said... 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
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A Harvard and Yale Law grad met in a washroom during a law convention. The Harvard graduate said, "Didn't they teach you to wash your hands at Yale?" The Yale grad responded, "They taught us not to piss on our hands."
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Why do they bury lawyers in 20ft holes? Because deep down they’re all really nice guys.
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An elderly patient needs a heart transplant and discusses his options with his doctor. The doctor says, ‘We have three possible donors. One is a young, healthy athlete. The second is a middleaged businessman who never drank or smoked, and the third is an attorney who just died after practising law for 30 years.’ ‘I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,’ says the patient. ‘Why?’ asks the doctor. The patient replies, ‘It’s never been used.’
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Man to lawyer: ‘If I give you £500, will you answer two questions?’ Lawyer: ‘Absolutely. What’s the other question?’
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What’s the difference between a dead lawyer in the road and a dead skunk in the road? There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
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Q: Did you hear about the dead lawyer who was too big to fit in a coffin? A: They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
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The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?” The guy answers, “A scotch, please.” The bartender hands him the drink, and says “That’ll be five dollars.” To which the guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.” A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.” The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.” The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, “What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!” The guy says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!” The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.” To which the guy replies, “Thank you. Make it a scotch.”
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How is an earnest lawyer called? An oxymoron.
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