A man calls a lawyer’s office.
A voice answers, ‘Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz.’
The man says, ‘Let me talk to Mr Schwartz.’
‘I’m sorry, he’s on vacation.’
‘Then let me talk to Mr Schwartz.’
‘He’s on a big case, not available for a week.’
‘Then let me talk to Mr Schwartz.’
‘He’s playing golf today.’
‘Okay, then, let me talk to Mr Schwartz.’ ‘Speaking.’
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Why was the cannibal fined by the judge?
He was caught poaching.
Vote:
Q: Why are lawyers never attacked by sharks?
A: Professional courtesy.
A local charity organization realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity.
Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the donation seeker mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The person coming for donation began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister`s husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer`s voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The person who came asking for donation felt completely humiliated and said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don`t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Down in the bayou, Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suin' the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer.
A lawyer's car stalled on the side of the freeway.
As he was getting out to see what was the matter, a reckless driver swerved taking off the whole car door and knocking the lawyer to the ground.
A passing police car pulled over.
As the policeman got out he heard the lawyer shouting, 'my mercedes, my brand new mercedes!"
As the policeman approached he was shocked to notice the lawyer's right arm missing.
''Do you realize your arm is gone?'' asked the policeman?
The lawyer, stunned, began to scream,
"My rolex, my brand new rolex!"
A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he opened the door a truck came roaring past and completely tore off the driver’s door of the Lexus.
The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911.
When a policeman arrived, the lawyer was still screaming hysterically.
His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his head in disgust.
"I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Didn’t you notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
The lawyer looked down to his left side and let out a terrible scream: "Oh my God!… MY ROLEX!"
A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party:
"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.
"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer.
"What do you do?"
The minister replied, "Oh, more or less the same.
Let me give you an example.
The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.
The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought?
Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds.
What are you doing here?"
The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi?
Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."
The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?"
Q: Did you hear about the dead lawyer who was too big to fit in a coffin?
A: They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.