A man calls a lawyer’s office.
A voice answers, ‘Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz.’
The man says, ‘Let me talk to Mr Schwartz.’
‘I’m sorry, he’s on vacation.’
‘Then let me talk to Mr Schwartz.’
‘He’s on a big case, not available for a week.’
‘Then let me talk to Mr Schwartz.’
‘He’s playing golf today.’
‘Okay, then, let me talk to Mr Schwartz.’ ‘Speaking.’
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A blonde, a priest, a doctor, a nurse, a brunette, a redhead, a lawyer, a rabbi, a musician, a farmer, a lawyer, an accountant, a Mexican, an Indian, a Chinaman, an Irishman, an Englishman an American, A Russian, an Iraqi, Hilary Clinton, Bill Clinton, Sarah Palin, George W Bush, Osama Bin laden and Barack Obama walked into a bar.
The barman said, "Hang on a minute, is this some sort of joke?"
Q: Why have scientists started using lawyers for experiments instead of rats?
A: They don't become so attached to the lawyers.
Three guys are arrested in an adult book store and appear before the judge.
He asks the first guy to stand:
"What is your name?" he asked.
"John," the guy answered.
"And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.
"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke." he answered.
The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the guy and called up the next one.
"What's your name?" he asked.
"John," the guy answered.
"Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.
"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke." he answered.
Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, 'This so-called adult store is begining to sound more like a smoking club!' he thought.
So he dismissed the charge and called up the next guy.
"What's your name?? No wait, let me guess; John." he said.
"No," said the guy, "My name is Smoke."
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving
A man walked into a curio store and was looking around.
After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter.
The proprietor said, that will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it.
The man said, 'Thanks, but I'll just pay the $10 and pass on the story.'
He purchased the brass rat and left the store.
As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him.
The further he walked -- the more rats followed.
He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him.
So, he decided to walk out into the water, which he did -- and all the rats drowned.
He returned to the store where he purchased the brass rat, and when he walked in, the proprietor said, 'Ah ha!
You came back to pay the $1,000 for the story, right?'
'Nope,' replied the man, 'Just came back to see if you have any brass lawyers!'
Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
A young lawyer says to ones of his colleagues:
-A lawyer is the freest creature in the world.
He’s not dependent of nothing except of his clients, his colleagues, judge and of the High Court...!
Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage.
Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry.
Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days.
Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below.
As they descend, they see a man walking his dog.
One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, "Where are we?"
The man yells back, "About a half mile from town."
Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist.
One flyer says to the other, "He must have been a lawyer."
The other says, "A lawyer! How do you know that?"
The first says, "That’s easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant."