Joke #3901

This antique pocket watch has been in my family for generations. It’s true. My grandfather sold me it on his deathbed.

A one dollar bill met a twenty dollar bill and said, "Hey, where’ve you been? I haven’t seen you around here much." The twenty answered, "I’ve been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?" The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff… church, church, church." essories for it.

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

3 old friends meet each other unexpectedly in Paris. Since they haven't seen each other in decades, they decide to celebrate by going out. They decide that they would go to the Eiffel Tower. When they arrived, there was a guard there next to a sign that read "if you can drop your watch from the top of the Eiffel Tower, run all the way down the stairs and catch it on the floor, you will win 10 million dollars. The men decided to try it. The first one went up, dropped his watch, sprinted all the way down and looked up, but his watch wasn't there, so he looked down and there was his watch, shattered into pieces of gears and parts. "Impossible," he said to his friends. The second Man thought that maybe he was too slow, so he went up, dropped his watch, then practically jumped Down the steps, and looked up, but it wasn't there. He looked down, and the remains of his watch were right next to his friends' watch. "Impossible," he said to the third man. But the third man tried anyway. He went up, dropped his watch, then took his time going down, taking 25 minutes to get down the steps. When he finally went down, he looked at the local clock and waited 5 minutes, then he looked up and caught his watch. Everyone was shocked, and as the guard was counting up the money, he asked: "how did you do that?" The man looked at him and replied: "my watch is 30 minutes late."

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

A blonde desserts her home town out of shame, and colors her hair brown. She drives past a farm and sees all the sheep. She goes up to the farmer and ask, "If I guess how many sheep you have can I have one?" The farmer nodded. She continued. "159" The farmer is surprised. "How did you know?" "Lucky guess" She grabs one and gets in her car. The farmer comes up and says, "If I can guess your real hair color can I get my dog back?"

How do two programmers make money? One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.

An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured get back $1,000." Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. He went to Dr. Geezer's clinic and this is what happened. Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me? Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth." Dr. Young: "Aaagh! This is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500." Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, that's Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500." Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak I can hardly see!" Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so. Here's your $1000 back." Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..." Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500." Moral of story: Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old "Geezer "

A mink in the wardrobe often leads to a wolf at the door.

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, "How much is the yellow one?" The assistant says, "$2000." The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, "This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast." "What about the green one?" the man asks. The assistant says, "He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes." "What about the red one?" the man asks. The assistant says, "That one's $10,000." The man says, "What does HE do?" The assistant says, "I don't know, but the other two call him boss."

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling. She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today." The first student raised her hand to volunteer. "Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first." Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny." The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?" Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie." "Very good," the teacher told Kevin. Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..." Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again. Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next. Johnny said, "My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell "accountant."