Life may not be worth living, but what else can you do with it?
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A social worker is facing a mugger with a gun.
"Your money or your life!" says the mugger.
"I'm sorry," the social worker answers, "I am a social worker, so I have no money and no life."
Boss: "This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?"
Me: "That it's only Wednesday."
There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris.
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Q: Why did the Energizer cell go to court?
A: For charges of battery.
Ignorance can be educated.
Crazy can be medicated.
But there is no cure for stupidity...
The Dove Bar's like an 80-pound wad of chocolate on a toothpick.
If you're not careful when you take it out of the package, you'll snap your wrists.
In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth...
After that, everything else was Made in China.
An alcoholic addict just returned home from a rehab and he saw crate of empty bottles sitting at the corner and he goes there grab one and smacknit to the wall and said "you made my wife leave me."
Grab another one and smashes it and said "you made me get fired from work" and grab another one which was full and was about to smash it and he brushes it and said "you were not part of them and open and drink...."
A man was strolling along a beach in California.
On giving the sand a kick he struck a corked bottle.
He bent down, picked it up and removed the cork.
Immediately, a Genie came out of the bottle and said to him, "Master, I have been a prisoner in this bottle for a thousand years and now you have set me free.
For that, I will grant you one wish."
The man thought for a moment then said, "I always wanted to go to Hawaii but I am afraid to fly and I get sick on a ship.
Could you build a highway from California to Hawaii?"
"Master, that is a difficult wish to fulfill.
Can you think of something that is more practical?"
The man thought for a moment and said, "Could you tell me why women are the way they are?"
The Genie thought for a moment before replying, "Would that be two lanes or four?"