The first half of life if ruined by your parents, the second by your kids.
During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of Ex-President Clinton and Representative Condit had brought about the need for an eleventh commandment. They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten. After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."
Once, on the set of Walker Texas Ranger, a goat fell over dead. Chuck Norris ran up to the goat and beard rubbed it back to life.
Womens are like computer virus... they ENTER your life... SEARCH your pocket... SHIFT your balance ... CONTROL your life... when you become an old version DELET you from the system
A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off: "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses." Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job... Lead us not into temptation."
You're living, you occupy space, and you have mass. You know what that means? You Matter.
Whats the difference between a jeweler and a jailer? One sells watches and one watches cells.
A professor was walking along a very narrow street when he came face to face with a rival professor. The street was too narrow for two to pass. The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily: "I never make way for fools!" Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said: "I always do."
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.
Two politician are having lunch together, all of a sudden one stood up and shouted, "Your lying." The other replied, "I know but just hear me out."
Do you know the joke of "no me neither"? No. Me neither.