The first half of life if ruined by your parents, the second by your kids.
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Ignorance can be educated.
Crazy can be medicated.
But there is no cure for stupidity...
Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea.
The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks.
Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman.
"What about your hook"?
"Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords.
One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman.
"How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"
Are you free on Sunday?
The director asks his secretary.
Yes, sir.
Then, please, use this day to rest a bit, so you won’t be late at work on Monday.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
Bruce Lee didn't die from an allergic reaction.
He died cause Chuck Norris decided to not let him live anymore.
Vote:
Yo' Mama is so uptight, you need the jaws of life to part her legs.
How long does it take a Mexican to build a, holy shit they're done!
Customer: Give me a hot dog.
Waiter: With pleasure.
Customer: No, with mustard.
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching p*rn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what p*rn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale...