The first half of life if ruined by your parents, the second by your kids.
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Which runs faster, hot or cold?
Hot.
Everyone can catch cold.
Chuck Norris can strum your pain with his fingers, tell your whole life with his words – but mainly just kill you softly with his song.
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Patient: "Doctor, I feel there are two of me."
Doctor: "Very well, I shall see you, one at a time."
I recently picked a new primary care physician.
After two visits and exhaustive lab test, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”
He asked, “Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?”
“Oh no,” I replied. “I’ve never done either.”
Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”
I said, “No, I heard that all red meat is very unhealthy.”
“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, ballooning, motorcycling, rock climbing?”
“No, I don’t,” I said.
He said, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?”
“No,” I said. “I have never done any of those things.”
He looked at me and said, “Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?”
Two communists were sitting in a dive bar when one said to the other:
"Communism is the ultimate expression of generosity."
"True," the other replied.
"If you had two houses, would you give me one?"
"Absolutely."
"And if you had two cars, would you give me one?" the first communist asked.
"Without hesitation," the second communist replied.
"And chickens. If you had two chickens, would you give me one?"
The second communist thought about the question for a few moments before answering.
"No," he said.
"Why not?"
"Because I have two chickens."
John: "Hey can I borrow some money? I'm broke."
Michael: "Get money from your job."
John: "I got fired."
Michael: "Why?"
John: "My boss told me to leave all my problems behind the door, so I told him to stand outside."
Michael: "This is why we are friends."
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Life is like a definite integral.
Integral from birthday to death ( LOVE ) dx = LIFE
If they bring shrimp home on shrimp boats, fish home on fish boats, and clams home on clam boats, what do they bring crabs home on?
The Captains Dinghy!
Q: What's the distinction between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A: When you get a divorce, you dispose of the entire prick.
Toilets are like mothers-in-law:
the farther away the better.
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