The first half of life if ruined by your parents, the second by your kids.
This could be considered the ideal world for many men: His son on the cover of a box of Wheaties. His mistress in the centerfold of Playboy. A picture of his wife on the milk carton.
A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off: "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses." Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job... Lead us not into temptation."
Q: What is a difference between "accident " and "tragedy"? A: Suppose you with the family are beside a pool. You suddenly push your mother in law into the pool - so it's an accident. If she could swim and gets out, in that case, it's a tragedy!
I'm actually glad that 2 Chainz mentions his name at the begin of every song. It gives me time to change the radio station.
Q: Why is Al Qaeda more compassionate than pro-lifers? A: The 9/11 hijackers got to die instantly.
Q: What do you call a fairy who doesn't take a bath? A: Stinkerbell!
Customer: "Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?" Waiter: "Can’t you tell the difference by taste?" Customer: "No, I can’t." Waiter: "Then does it really matter?"
"I really don’t know girl, but I don’t believe in love at first sight!" "Why?" "Because... How can you tell if the man has a good salary at the first sight?"
A wife told his husband to whisper her dirty things, the man then replied, "The kitchen, the living room, the conservatory and the dining room."
A Jewish guy got in a taxi cab...5 min into a ride the driver notice a man beating up a woman on the other side of the street. The driver rush to the scene. He open the door ran out as soon as he did that the Jewish guy roll down his window as fast as he can and shouted, "Stop it, stop it, stop the meter."