You can't buy happiness but you can buy weed… and that's pretty close.
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Q: What do you call money that grows on trees?
A: Marijuana
Steve Austin had to be rebuilt as the Six Million Dollar Man after he looked Chuck Norris in the eye, shook his hand and then went weak at the knees.
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Your mama is so short when she tried to get high she couldn't.
Q: How do you know when you are stoned?
A: When you are too phoned to stone home.
Q: What do you call Harrison Ford when he smokes weed?
A: Han So-high
How do you suffocate a nigger?
Tell him there's weed inside the pillowcase.
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How do you start a Jewish parade?
Throw a penny down main street.
Me: I just bought Tupacs of Eminems for 50 Cents.
Friend: That's Ludacris. How Kanye West your money like that?
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars.
Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going.
“A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question.
He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”
“Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer.
The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”