You can't buy happiness but you can buy weed… and that's pretty close.
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Q: What do you call money that grows on trees?
A: Marijuana
Yo mama so short when she smokes weed, she cant even get high.
Q: What did the Nickelback fan say to the other Nickelback fan when they ran out of weed?
A: Man, this music sucks.
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?”
The guy answers, “A scotch, please.”
The bartender hands him the drink, and says “That’ll be five dollars.”
To which the guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”
The next day, same guy walks into the bar.
Bartender says, “What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!”
The guy says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!”
The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.”
To which the guy replies, “Thank you. Make it a scotch.”
Yo' Mama is so poor, she steals her breakfast from backyard bird feeders.
Harry staggers exhausted into his house.
‘What’s wrong with you?’ asks his wife.
‘I thought I’d save my 75p bus fare by running behind the bus,’ gasps Harry.
‘You idiot,’ says his wife.
‘If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved a tenner.’
Q: What does a cooked chicken and a stoner who is afraid of everything have in common?
A: They are both baked chickens.
Me: "I only smoke weed because of Cancer."
Mom: "You don't have Cancer!"
Me: "So it's working..."
Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offence.
"You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty day's pay," said the officer.
"All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money."
I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45.
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.
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