Money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element. The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
Q: Why do chemists like nitrates so much? A: They're cheaper than day rates.
A divorce court judge said to the husband,"Mr Geraghty,I have reviewed this case very carefully and I've decided to give your wife $800 a week." "That's very fair,your honour," he replied. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
I lost 125 pounds. It took me a long time, and it cost me a lot of money, but I finally divorced the bitch!
Q: Why is divorce so costly? A: Because its justified, despite all the trouble.
Signs You're No Longer in College... You no longer know what time fast food drive-thru windows close. Your potted plants stay alive. You pay at least a dollar more than the minimum payment on your credit card bill. Your friends' hook-ups and break-ups are now marriages and divorces. You attend parties that the police don't raid. You're not expected to leave the room when the adults are talking. You refer to college students as "those kids." You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of just beer, beer and beer. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of leftover pizza. At 6 a.m., you're putting your contact lens in instead of taking them out. Naps are no longer weekday options. Dating involves dinner and a movie, not keggers and Ecstasy. Grocery lists contain more than toilet paper and potato chips. You leave parties because you have a busy day tomorrow, not because the EMS guy has strapped you down.
Q: If marriage is terrific what is divorce? A: Ten thousand!
Q: How many divorce attorneys does it take to change a light bulb? A: It only takes one divorce attorney to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
Q: What element is a girl's future best friend? A: Carbon.