Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
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There’s no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners.
The Lamaze class was in full swing.
The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher.
Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" asked the instructor.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis!"
I replied, "That's 15 love!"
A true story, according to the LA Times.....
Coach Frank Layden of the Utah Jazz asked forward Jeff Wilkins, "Is your bad play due to ignorance or apathy?"
Wilkins replied, "I don't know and I don't care!"
During preseason training, a college football lineman married one of the team's cheerleaders.
The coach was a bit surprised and remarked to his star football player, "You are such a big, burley guy.
Why in the world did you marry such a tiny, petite woman?
She is no bigger than your hand."
"That's right, Coach," replied the lineman.
"But, she's much better!"
Q: What do you call 2 nuns and a Prostitute on a football field?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Why did the football coach flood the pitch?
Because he wanted to bring on the sub!
Police arrested Joe Bloggs, a 27-year old white male and resident of Wimbledon UK, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday.
Bloggs will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that after a night of drinking, as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop.
"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles.
At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.
Bloggs went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, poked a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Bloggs apparently failed to notice the Wimbledon Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer B.T. approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said Officer BT. "I walked up to (Bloggs) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin".
BT went on to describe what happened when she approached Bloggs:
"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me, sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'
He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said,
'A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?'"
Yo' Mama is like a hockey player, she doesn't change her pad for three periods.