Husband to wife: ‘I hear you’ve been telling everyone that I’m an idiot.’ Wife: ‘Sorry, I didn’t know it was a secret.’
A drunk is sitting on a park bench staring disconsolately at a bottle of beer. A man passes and asks him what the matter is. ‘I don’t know what to do,’ says the drunk. ‘My heart says yes, my mind says no, and I haven’t heard from my liver in two days.’
I had two women in my bed the other day. I got home from work and discovered my wife is having a lesbian affair.
The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, and bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. "Now do you understand?" he asked. "I think so," she said. "That was when mommy came to work for us?"
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.” “What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?” “Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!” “Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?” “You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die.
A little boy says, ‘Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.’ ‘Son,’ says the dad. ‘That happens everywhere.’
She has her husband eating out of the palm of her hand – it saves on the washing-up.
Two Italian virgins marry and go on their honeymoon. Unfortunately, neither knows what to do when they get there. The newlyweds call the groom's mother for advice. The mother says that they should sit on the bed together, snuggle, and things should happen from there. The newlyweds do this, but nothing happens. The groom calls his mother back. She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers, and nature should take its course. The bride and groom take his mother's advice, but still nothing comes to mind. He calls his mother a third time. Getting frustrated with the situation, she says, "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest spot!" The groom is quiet for a moment and then asks his mother, "I've got my nose in her armpit, now what?"
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple in their bedroom. The husband turned to his wife and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen action in years. If he wants sex, I think it's best to just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it." "I'm so relieved you feel that way," replies his wife, "because he told me he thinks you're really cute."
A newlywed couple goes on their honeymoon. Two days into the weeklong trip, the wife goes to the front desk and demands a car to take her to the airport. A few hours later, the husband strolls past the front desk. The manager asks why his wife has left the island. "Were you not having a good time?" The man replies, "Well, I've been having the best time of my life, but it's been with the maid."