Joke #3983

I can remember where I got married. I can remember when I got married. I just can’t remember why.
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has 85.12 % from 196 votes. More jokes about: marriage

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A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror… She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.” The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
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has 83.74 % from 951 votes. More jokes about: fat, marriage, ugly
The results of in-depth studies have determined that the most often used sexual position for marriedcouples is the "doggie position". The husband sits up and begs and the wife rolls over and plays dead.
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has 76.09 % from 115 votes. More jokes about: death, husband, life, marriage, sex
Wedding anniversaries are a time when men pause and reflect on what it was they did before they were married: anything they wanted to.
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has 60.15 % from 22 votes. More jokes about: anniversary, marriage, time
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
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has 26.97 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person’s got, you wish you’d ordered that.
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has 34.13 % from 24 votes. More jokes about: marriage
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
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has 84.13 % from 154 votes. More jokes about: age, marriage, old people, wife
A man is talking to the family doctor, "Doc, I think my wife’s going deaf." The doctor answers, "Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is." The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what’s for dinner?" He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what’s for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he’s standing just a few feet away from her. Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!"
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has 85.56 % from 566 votes. More jokes about: doctor, family, food, marriage, wife
A man finds a genie lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie comes out and says "I may grant you 3 wishes, but your wife gets double." The man wishes for a new car. The genie gives him a new car and the man's wife 2 new cars. The man then wishes for a new house. The genie gives him a new house and the man's wife 2 new houses. The man then says, "For my final wish, I wish to be beaten to half-death."
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has 51.89 % from 172 votes. More jokes about: car, genie, marriage, wife
Q: What do women, tornadoes and hurricanes have in common? A: They all get the house.
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has 56.16 % from 60 votes. More jokes about: marriage, weather, women
An 80-year-old man tells his wife, "I'm going to the doctor to get me some of those new Viagra pills." His wife gets her coat on and says, "I'm going to the doctor, too. If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm getting a tetanus shot."
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has 57.17 % from 40 votes. More jokes about: age, doctor, marriage, viagra, wife