‘If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.’ Mark Twain
Why is money green? Because people usually pick it before it's ripe!
Yo mama so poor that when I stepped on a cigarette she said "who turned off the heat?"
This antique pocket watch has been in my family for generations. It’s true. My grandfather sold me it on his deathbed.
Dick’s family were very poor – when the wolf came to the door, they ate it.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
If Asda is lowering prices every day, why isn’t anything in the shop free yet?
If you had a million dollars and gave away one quarter, and another quarter, and then another quarter, how much would you have left? A million dollars minus 75 cents.
What’s the difference between your wage packet and your trouser packet? You don’t have to beg a woman to blow your wage packet.
A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35,"he replied. "I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29." "I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good. While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age." There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47." Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
Q: Why did the silly kid try to feed pennies to the cat? A: Because his mother told him to put money in the kitty.