‘If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you.
This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.’ Mark Twain
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‘I used to live in a sub-basement.
The janitor that had the apartment during the Depression had some stocks.
When the market crashed, he was wiped out.
He tried to kill himself by jumping out of the window and up on to street level.’ Woody Allen
What do you call an Asian billionare.
Cha Ching.
What’s the difference between your wage packet and your trouser packet?
You don’t have to beg a woman to blow your wage packet.
Bill Gates once asked Chuck Norris to be his personal body guard for an hour, he couldn't afford it...
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Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer!
Now, let's try it again!"
Officer: "Soldier.
Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
Misers are lousy to live with, but they make great ancestors.
You can't buy happiness but you can buy weed… and that's pretty close.
Yo mama is so poor that when I saw her walking down the street with one shoe and said "Hey miss, lost a shoe?"
She said, "Nope, just found one!"
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A husband gives his wife a complete mink outfit for her birthday – a 12-bore shotgun and some traps.
A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!"
"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."