Joke #3991

‘If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.’ Mark Twain
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Signs You're No Longer in College... You no longer know what time fast food drive-thru windows close. Your potted plants stay alive. You pay at least a dollar more than the minimum payment on your credit card bill. Your friends' hook-ups and break-ups are now marriages and divorces. You attend parties that the police don't raid. You're not expected to leave the room when the adults are talking. You refer to college students as "those kids." You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of just beer, beer and beer. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of leftover pizza. At 6 a.m., you're putting your contact lens in instead of taking them out. Naps are no longer weekday options. Dating involves dinner and a movie, not keggers and Ecstasy. Grocery lists contain more than toilet paper and potato chips. You leave parties because you have a busy day tomorrow, not because the EMS guy has strapped you down.
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More jokes about: college, divorce, food, marriage, money
A man walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a beer. While drinking he notices on the back shelf, a giant glass jar full of dollar bills. He asks the bartender "what's with all the $"? The bartender replies, "it's a game customers play. They put $50 in the jar, and have to complete 3 tasks to win the bulk". The man says, shocked, "well what are the tasks? There must be thousands in that jar". The bartender responds "you must pay the $50 before given the tasks". The man refuses and claims that's stupid. But after a few beers, curiosity gets to him and he decides to pay the fee. The bartender explains "The three tasks are... you must first drink this entire bottle of tequila until it's empty. Next, outback is an angry, stray Rottweiler who has a horrible tooth which needs to be removed. And lastly, upstairs in the apartment is an old lady who's been widowed for 45 years and hasn't had an orgasm since. So you must also give her a wild time to extreme pleasure to win the reward". The man agrees and starts with a few sips of the spirit, takes a break then chugs the rest of the entire bottle! Already feeling wasted and dazed, he stumbles out of his stool, and towards the back exit. Once outside, the bartender and other customers can only listen to what is happening. After a few barks and growls, all of a sudden the dog lets out a loud whimper. In stumbles, the daring man, clothes shredded and blood spattered. The customer's mouths were hanging wide open. The bartender asks " oh my god, nobody's ever done that, is the dog going to be alright?!" "Ahhhh Don't worry about that damn dog" shouts the drunken man. "Just tell me where the old bitch is who needs that tooth pulled". Heard this from an old man, not sure where he got it from, or if it's on here already or not.
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More jokes about: bar, beer, dog, money, vulgar
Q: Why is horse racing so romantic? A: Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.
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Did you hear about the cover-all insurance policy? If you bump your head, they pay you a lump sum.
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A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. “I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. “The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.” “And that’s how you built an empire?” the boy asked. “Heavens, no!” the man replied. “Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”
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More jokes about: food, money, old people, time, wife
Little boy says to his father: "Daddy, I heard on the news that cigarettes have become much more expensive. Does it mean that you're going to smoke less from now on?" And father replies: "No, son. I will smoke as much as a have. But, you'll be eating less!"
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More jokes about: dad, food, kids, mean, money
After a long time two friends met, happy to see each other. One of them, chewing on something big, asked his friend how was he and what was new in his life. After the friend told his story, he asked the same question to the friend who was chewing something. "So, what’s up man?" "It’s a shitty period, there is nothing that works in my life and I feel really bad." "What is going on?! "Last Saturday I went to Las Vegas. You know that from time, to time I’m going there to play at casino, three or four times a year. I took with me thousand dollars and I put the other hundred in my driving license that I left in the car. For the safety reasons, you know, if it goes really bad at casino, I must have the money to pay highway and go back home. And so I walked in casino, I bought the chips and found an empty seat on a roulette table, next to a beautiful woman, about forty years old with a very provocative neckline. I made my first bet on 32, the number of my house, aiming 10 dollars." "How did it go?" The guy continues to tell his story, without stopping to chew something. "Released! I felt all the winning streak and I bet again on 32 and it’s released again. I was winning almost 13 000 dollars and the adrenaline was at maximum. I felt like I was the God and around the table came so many people to congratulated me and I bet more than 10 thousand dollars on 23." "And it went out again?" "No! This time came out a bloody 13. Do you realize that I had the bad luck? I had in my hands a lot of money and if 32 came out I was settled for a life time. But the horrid number 13 ruined my evening and the hole week after." "I understand you very well. It ‘s really to eat the balls." The other friend, continuing to chew louder: "What do you think I’m doing?"
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More jokes about: dirty, life, money
Two strangers meet on a golf course and decide to play together. One man says, "I'm a salesman. What about you?" "I'm a hit man for the mob," replies the second man. He pulls out a high powered rifle loaded with scopes and sights. He then asks the man where he lives. Nervously, the first man replies, "In a subdivision just west of here. Gray roof, yellow siding." "You got a silver compact and a red pickup?" "The compact is my wife's car, but that's my buddy Jeff's truck." The hit man looks through the scope again. "Well, they're going at it like teenagers in your bedroom." "I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot him in the balls." The hit man says, "I get paid $5,000 per shot." "I don't care! Just do it!" The hit man takes careful aim and says, "This is your lucky day. You're going to get a two for one!"
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More jokes about: car, golf, men, money, wife
A woman comes up to me and says, "Hey sexy you lost 185 lbs and now you have money." "You wanna be my sugar daddy?" "Nope I'm diabetic!"
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More jokes about: flirt, health, money, stupid
There was a business man driving down this country road when he spotted a little boy that had a lemonade stand. It being hot and him being thirsty, he decided to stop. Once he got up to the little boy's stand, he noticed a sign that said "All you can drink 10 cents," and a single, very small glass. Well, he thought that it was an awful small glass, but since it was only 10 cents for all you can drink, he decided to get some anyway. He gave the boy a dime, and shot down the whole glass in one swig. He slapped the glass back onto the table and said, "fill 'er up." The kid replieds, "Sure thing, that'll be 10 cents." To this the business man said, "But your sign says all you can drink for a dime." "It is," the little boy replies, "That's all you can drink for a dime."
Vote: has 69.89 % from 63 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: business, kids, money