I joined Bachelors Anonymous.
Every time I feel like getting married they send round a woman in curlers to nag me for a while.
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She has her husband eating out of the palm of her hand – it saves on the washing-up.
Harry's wife says, "Harry, do these jeans make my ass look like the side of the house?"
He says, "No, our house isn't blue."
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The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica: "What part of the human body increases to 10 times it's normal size when excited?"
Jessica responds: "That's disgusting! I don't have to answer that question!"
So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: "That's easy...the pupil of the eye."
"That's correct, Johnny. Very good!"
And turning to Jessica, she says:
"I've three things to say to you, young lady... first, you didn't do your homework; second, you have a dirty mind; and third, you're in for a big disappointment!"
A couple come across a wishing well.
The husband leans over, makes a wish and throws in a penny.
The wife makes a wish too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well and drowns.
The husband says, ‘Wow!
It really works!’
Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
Joe took his blind date to the carnival.
"What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
They ambled over to the weight guesser.
He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel.
When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went.
Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
"I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
I got really love sick the other day working away from home.
Went to the doctors and they said it was chlamydia.
Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce?
A: He thought his wife was a flake.
Q: What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket?
A: Married.