Joke #4686

Guns don’t kill people – husbands who come home early kill people.
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has 78.64 % from 183 votes. More jokes about: marriage

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After an intense high speed chase, an officer finally gets the lawbreaker to pull over. "You know," says the cop, "I was originally pulling you over to tell you your taillight is out. Why the hell did you take off like that?" "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
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has 85.11 % from 311 votes. More jokes about: marriage
My wife said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before." So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
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has 71.88 % from 55 votes. More jokes about: anniversary, communication, marriage, mean, travel
3 Stages of Sex: 1. House Sex - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house, in every room. 2. Bedroom Sex - After you've been married for a while and you just have sex in the bedroom. 3. Hall Sex - After you've been married for many years, and you just pass each other in the hall and say, "F**k you!"
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has 71.16 % from 66 votes. More jokes about: life, marriage, sex
I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning." "What is she doing?", the pal asks. "Waiting for me to get home."
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has 57.44 % from 62 votes. More jokes about: marriage, time, wife
Husband: Everytime I hit you, you never fight back. How do you manage your anger? Wife: I clean the toilet seat... Husband: How does it help Wife: I use your toothbrush!
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has 48.02 % from 71 votes. More jokes about: husband, marriage, wife
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'
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has 85.71 % from 1388 votes. More jokes about: marriage
An old woman buys herself some bright red crotchless panties and goes home to surprise her husband. When her husband comes home, she calls him into the bedroom and points to her new panties. "Hey old timer," she says, "come and get some of this!" The old man says, "Hell no, woman. It done ate a hole in your drawers!"
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has 33.50 % from 22 votes. More jokes about: marriage
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
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has 53.69 % from 54 votes. More jokes about: communication, divorce, marriage, wife
I only wanted to have a child, not marry one.
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has 45.82 % from 24 votes. More jokes about: marriage, men
I had two women in my bed the other day. I got home from work and discovered my wife is having a lesbian affair.
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has 32.79 % from 20 votes. More jokes about: marriage