Lawyer: ‘Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly?
Did you steal the car?’
Client: ‘After hearing you in court, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.’
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What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
The vampire sucks you’re blood only at midnight!
What can a goose do, a duck can’t, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his rear.
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand."
Not one hand went up...so she took them home and ate them.
Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having sex?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for the same service.
What’s the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.
A junior partner in a law firm is sent to represent a client accused of murder.
After a long trial, the case is won and the client acquitted.
The young lawyer telegraphs his firm with the message, ‘Justice prevailed’.
The senior partner telegraphs back, ‘Appeal immediately’.
How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire?
Both of them.
What do lawyers wear to court?
Lawsuits!
Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.
A young lawyer was working on a farmer’s case, which asked compensation from the train company because one of they’re trains killed 24 pigs of his.
At the High Court, wanting to make impression of the damage amount, the lawyer says:
There were 24 pigs gentlemen!
Twice as much than you!