Lawyer: ‘Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?’ Client: ‘After hearing you in court, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.’
It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honour." Testified the man charged with indecent exposure. "Explain that statement!" demanded the Judge. "Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman... So I showed her."
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Shoot him before he hits the water.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit? The bucket.
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce." "Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house." The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that! What's the big deal about a two-story house?" The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is...**I have a headache** and the other story is **It's that time of the month!** "
A lawyer trying to get tickets to a Broadway show, finally settled for a couple of seats a year in advance. When the exciting night arrived and he sat down in his seat, a woman in front of the lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him and asked why such a valuable commodity was unused. The lawyer replied that his wife couldn't make it. The woman asked him if he didn't have relatives or friends who could have used the seat. He replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."
Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having sex? To prevent clients from being billed twice for the same service.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to plaster a wall? A: It depends how hard you throw them.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? The vampire sucks you’re blood only at midnight!
An incompetent attorney can delay a trial for months or years. A competent attorney can delay one even longer.
What can a goose do, a duck can’t, and a lawyer should? Stick his bill up his rear.