Two policemen are walking the beat when one says, ‘When I get home, I’m going straight upstairs and tearing off the wife’s underwear.’ ‘Feelling randy?’ asks the other. ‘No,’ says the first. ‘The elastic is killing me.’
A husband and wife decide they need to spice up their sex life. The wife buys a pair of crotchless underwear, puts them on, and goes into the bedroom. She seductively asks her husband, "Hey Big Boy, do ya want some of this?" The husband takes one look at her underwear and replies, "Hell no! Look what that thing does to underwear!"
Q: How do you make four old ladies say "FUCK!"? A: Get a fifth one to yell "BINGO!"
Did you hear about the idiot who put ice in his condom? He wanted to keep the swelling down.
Man, to woman, ‘Do you want sex?’ Woman, ‘Your place or mine?’ Man, ‘Well, if you’re going to argue. Forget it.’
Q. What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats? A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes.
There were two security guards who worked on opposite shifts, but looked after the same building. Over a period of a year, the night shift security guard noticed that his opposite was putting on weight. So one evening at shift change, the night shift security guard says to the day shift security guard "Hey buddy, you aint half gettin fat". To which the day shift guard replies "Yeah, that's because every time I shag your wife she gives me a chocolate biscuit".
Men are like vacations – they never seem to be long enough.
Condoms are not completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got hit by a bus.
A Girl was towelling her wet pussy. She enjoyed it so much that she began to rub it vigorously until... ...the pussy cried "Meow" and runs away. Moral Lessons 1. Be kind to Animals 2. Always keep your thoughts clean...
Sex is like air – it’s not important until you’re not getting any.