How do you know when your cat’s finished cleaning himself? He’s smoking a cigarette.
A Husband comes home with a half gallon of Ice Cream. He asked his wife if she wants some. "How hard is it?" she asked. "About as hard as my dick," he replies. To which the woman replied, "OK, then pour me some!"
What’s the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic is using a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken.
Men are like... Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
‘Sex for an old guy is a bit like shooting pool with a rope.’ George Burns
A man says to his wife, ‘You know what, two inches more and I’d be king.’ She replies, ‘Two inches less and you’d be queen.’
Two rabbis prepare to wash the cadaver of a recently deceased before burying him, according to a Jewish tradition. The deceased possessed a tremendous sexual organ. Aaron, you see what I am seeing? Yes Jacob, I see it... it is as mine. That long? No, that dead.
Q: How does an English man know that his wife has died? A: Sex is still the same but the dishes are stacked in the sink.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I haven’t been the same since my testicles dropped. Mind you, I was hanging from a tree by them at the time.
Murphy the bus driver is sitting in his cab when his supervisor comes along. ‘Hello, Murphy,’ he says. ‘What time did you pull out this morning?’ ‘I didn’t,’ replies Murphy. ‘And I’ve been worrying about it all day.’