A man walks into a bar and orders a beer then looks into his pocket.
He does this over and over again.
Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a beer and after drinking it he looks into his pocket.
The man responded, " I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then i'll go home."
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A patient comes to a doctor, who asks him:
- Do you smoke?
- No.
- Do you drink?
- No.
- Do you eat fast food?
- No.
- Don't worry, I'll find something anyways...
Q: How do you start a parade in the ghetto?
A: Roll a 40 down the street.
A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.
The guy asks, "What's this about?"
The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?"
The guy replies, "Nah, the steaks are too high."
I may be a cold hearted and a unloving bitch, but I'm damn good at it
How am I driving? Call 1800-KISS-MY-ASS
I'm not an alcholic
Alcoholics go to meetings
I am a drunk
NO FAT CHICKS!
Dont laugh at my ride, your daughter may be in it!
Horn broke watch for finger
I'm not pshycotic, I cant read your mind.
Keep staring I might do a trick.
Chicks dig my ride.
I found Jesus... he was behind the coach the whole time.
I didn't sell my soal to satan...... but we did work out a rent to own deal.
Dyslexic satan worshipers think they're worshipping Santa.
I haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister.
Everyone has the right to be stupid but you abuse the privlige.
I smile because I have no Idea whats going on.
Guys: just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
STOP FOLLOWING ME, I don't know where I'm going.
A gent is sitting alone at the bar in Caesers Palace.
A Jewish hooker comes over to him and asks him if he would like some company.
"How much, honey?"
"$800."
"800???"
"Are you crazy? Every other woman that came over wanted $400!"
The Jewish hooker thought about it for a second and then replied, "Ok, I’ll do it for $400, but I want you to know I’m not making anything on it!"
A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.
Lady goes to doctor with a bee up her fanny.
Doc says, "Im gonna rub honey on my d*ck and insert it, when the bee smells it, I'll pull out and he'll follow."
Doctor starts and woman begins to moan.
Doctor gets faster and harder.
Woman yells, "What the f*ck you doing?"
Doc says, "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard."
A young guy walks into a bar.
An old drunk sits with a shoe box on the stool next to him.
The guy asks, "What's in the box?"
The older guy says matter-of-factly, "A South American Blow Job Toad."
The young guy looks around.
"Can I try it?"
The older guy nods.
The young guy goes to the men's room and returns 20 minutes later.
"That was amazing," he says, "You've got to sell it to me."
The old drunk concedes to sell the toad for a hefty sum.
The happy young man struts home and meets his wife at the door.
"Where the hell have you been?
What's in the box?" she demands.
"South American Blow Job Toad."
"So?" asks the wife.
"So, teach it to cook and get the f**k out."
A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.
You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!?!"