My grandfather came from a very poor family. The only time he tasted meat was when he bit his tongue.
I like black people . . . . . I used to have some black friends 'till my dad sold them!
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
A motorist gets caught in an automated speed trap that photographs his car. He later receives a ticket in the mail for $40 with a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sends the police department a photograph of $40. A few days later, he gets a letter from the police department with a picture of handcuffs.
The best way of saving money is to forget who you borrowed it from.
After 40 years of hard work, a man retired with $5,000,000.00 which he had gained through courage, diligence, initiative, skill, devotion to duty, thrift, efficiency, shrewd investment. And the death of an uncle who left him $4,999,999.50.
When Chuck Norris gets nominated for the ALS ice bucket challenge, the bucket donates $1000 to ALS research.
‘If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.’ Mark Twain
‘I used to live in a sub-basement. The janitor that had the apartment during the Depression had some stocks. When the market crashed, he was wiped out. He tried to kill himself by jumping out of the window and up on to street level.’ Woody Allen
Yo mama is so stupid that when he got a new bicycle he gave it to the charity funds.
A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmact: "I got a hot date tonight, an’ I need me some petection. How much is a pack a’ them rubbers gonna cost me?" The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax." "TACKS!" the shocked redneck says. "Gawd a’ mighty, don’t they stay on by themselves!"