Joke #4314

My wife keeps telling me I shouldn’t pee in the bath – or if I really have to I should at least wait till she gets out.

Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Dave thinks to himself, "Nurses are known to be hot to trot." The second man married a telephone operator. Dave thinks to himself, "Telephone operators have sexy voices." The third man married a school teacher. Dave thinks to himself, "Poor guy, teachers are frigid." The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse's husband. He sourly says, "Don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary.'" Then, the telephone operator's husband calls and sourly says, "Don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'" Later that afternoon, the teacher's husband calls and happily says, "When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was 'We are going to do this over and over until we get right.'"

A priest and a nun were on a mission trip up in the mountains when a snowstorm Came up. They saw an abandoned log cabin and went inside. The priest started a fire in the fireplace and found blankets and a sleeping bag but only one bed. The priest told the nun that she could sleep on the bed and he would sleep in the sleeping bag in the floor. As they were alone and beginning to get settled. The young nun said, "father?" in a song-song voice. He answered, "yes, sister?" "I'm cold." The priest got up and went to the closet and got another blanket and covered the nun. As he was settling back into his sleeping bag, she again said, "father?" "Yes, sister?" "I'm still cold." The priest got up and got another blanket from the closet and added it to the sisters' bed, tucking her in. He climbed back into the sleeping bag. Just as he was getting settled and the fire was crackling she called out to him again. "I'm still cold!" He said, "sister?" "Yes?" "We are all alone out here in this cabin in the mountains." "Yes, we are!" "Just this once... Yes? Just tonight... yes? Do you want to pretend that we are married?" "Oh yes! I do!" "Ok... get up and get your own dang blanket!"

Marge was cheating on her husband with another man when they heard a noise on the stairs. "Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?" "Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he's not going to notice you." Sure enough, Marge's husband crawled into bed, but as he pulled up the covers, he exposed six feet. "Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!" "Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again." The husband got out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. By damn, you're right, dear."

I met a sista once who told me she could tell how good a brotha is in bed simply by the way he opens the door to his apartment. So, I asked her how. She said if that brotha fumbles with the keys, that means he doesn't know what he's doing. If he opens the door too quick, means he's too fast and he's a total waste of time. But if that brotha opens the door with a smooth, controlled movement, that means he's real good in bed. Then she asked me how I open the door to my apartment. I told her, "Honey, I lick the lock first."

Wife to husband: ‘Let’s go out and have some fun tonight!’ Husband: ‘Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on.’

A man with a talking parrot is getting married. On the day of the wedding he says to the parrot "Now look here, I know you are always sat in that window sticking your beak in, when me and my new wife get back from the wedding I want you to turn round and and no matter what you hear I do not want you to turn back or I'll break your neck, do you understand?" The parrot reluctantly agrees. On returning from the wedding the parrot turns round as instructed, and behind him the bride and groom start to pack for the honeymoon. The wife however has packed too much and they can't get the case closed. "Get on top and sit on it baby!" says the man the woman does so and grunts and moans but can't shut the case. "You get on top baby it might be better" says the wife, so the man grunts and groans and tries his best but still cant shut the case. After a little thought the man says "Ok we'll both get on top see if that's any better!" The parrot turns round and says "Neck or no neck I have to see this!"

Girl to fiancé: ‘When we’re married I want to share all your troubles and worries.’ Fiancé: ‘But I don’t have any troubles and worries.’ Girl: ‘I know, but we’re not married yet.’

Wife to husband: ‘When I married you you said you had an ocean-going yacht!’ Husband: ‘Shut up and row.’

A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them. When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said, "I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fastened." The man said, "I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car." The Patrol Man said to the man's wife, "I know he didn't have his seatbelt fastened. Isn't that right, lady?" She replied, "Well, officer. I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he's drunk."

Hallmark would make "Sorry I don't remember your name" cards. If your girlfriend really needs to talk to you during the game, she'll appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time," would complete a break up. Birth control would come in ale or lager. Instead of an engagement ring, you could surprise your fiance with a giant "You're #1!" foam hand. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th, so it would only occur in leap years.